I'm all about "ah-ha" moments.
Yesterday I had one.
It happened while I was scrubbing the toilet. Let me be more specific - it happened while I was scrubbing the toilet...bawling my head off!
I know - I know. Ridiculous at best.
Looking back, I have to laugh because I'm not sure how it started. One second I was innocently doing the whoosh, whoosh with the brush and the next I had blurry eyes, hiccups and snot wiped across my sleeve.
And when I say I bawled...I mean that I. bawled.
But you'll be interested to know that not once during this meltdown did I ever break from scrubbing the toilet. Matter of fact, it didn't even occur to me to stop. For over ten minutes I just cleaned and cried.
Pretty funny stuff.
Simple explanation is that my mind got the best of me. It started as I thought about a blog entry from Project IF that I had read. It was written by a woman in her 50's who described everything that I'm feeling up to this exact moment of my life. Similar history - similar experiences. Fast forward 15 years and she describes what I fear. The loss of a dream - the readjustments of life.
It got to me while I was scrubbing my toilet.
I believe at some point I said out loud (with a whine), "but I don't want to just be a mother of an angel! I want so much more - God...don't you see that I want so much more?!". And on and on it went.
Until I finally got down on my knees to scrub the floor. That's when I had my "ah ha" moment.
You know, there isn't a lot that I can control in my life right now. I can't control infertility. I can't control my body that failed me when I needed it most and the little angel that was only here for the blink of an eye. I can't control what Dr. H describes as "secondary infertility" or the stress it sometimes puts on my marriage.
What I can control is me.
I control my smile and my level of faith. I control my happiness. My optimism, hope and outlook on life. I control how I treat my husband and the level of intimacy we have in our marriage. While I can't control an incompetent cervix or whatever terminology it is that doctors want to use to explain what went wrong....I can control my weight. My level of exercise. What I eat. I control my mind. My spirit.
And from this point forward, that is what I'm going to focus on.
Because I have a choice.
As a bonus, I also have a really clean toilet!
6 hours ago