Sunday, May 2, 2010

Lessons From A Bathroom

I'm all about "ah-ha" moments.

Yesterday I had one.

It happened while I was scrubbing the toilet. Let me be more specific - it happened while I was scrubbing the toilet...bawling my head off!

I know - I know. Ridiculous at best.

Looking back, I have to laugh because I'm not sure how it started. One second I was innocently doing the whoosh, whoosh with the brush and the next I had blurry eyes, hiccups and snot wiped across my sleeve.

And when I say I bawled...I mean that I. bawled.

But you'll be interested to know that not once during this meltdown did I ever break from scrubbing the toilet. Matter of fact, it didn't even occur to me to stop. For over ten minutes I just cleaned and cried.

Pretty funny stuff.

Simple explanation is that my mind got the best of me. It started as I thought about a blog entry from Project IF that I had read. It was written by a woman in her 50's who described everything that I'm feeling up to this exact moment of my life. Similar history - similar experiences. Fast forward 15 years and she describes what I fear. The loss of a dream - the readjustments of life.

It got to me while I was scrubbing my toilet.

I believe at some point I said out loud (with a whine), "but I don't want to just be a mother of an angel! I want so much more - God...don't you see that I want so much more?!". And on and on it went.

Until I finally got down on my knees to scrub the floor. That's when I had my "ah ha" moment.

You know, there isn't a lot that I can control in my life right now. I can't control infertility. I can't control my body that failed me when I needed it most and the little angel that was only here for the blink of an eye. I can't control what Dr. H describes as "secondary infertility" or the stress it sometimes puts on my marriage.

What I can control is me.

Me.

I control my smile and my level of faith. I control my happiness. My optimism, hope and outlook on life. I control how I treat my husband and the level of intimacy we have in our marriage. While I can't control an incompetent cervix or whatever terminology it is that doctors want to use to explain what went wrong....I can control my weight. My level of exercise. What I eat. I control my mind. My spirit.

Me.

And from this point forward, that is what I'm going to focus on.

Because I have a choice.

As a bonus, I also have a really clean toilet!


11 comments:

Amy said...

You are right. What a great attitude.

Rebecca said...

Hits when you least expect it...who would expect it at the toilet bowl?

You're right...you can only control you. Hang in there and cry when you need to.

Thomas said...

Hang in there JaLae

jrs said...

great post. glad your toilets are clean.

thanks for stopping by my blog.

Danifred said...

No one said there was a "right" place to let it all hit you :)

I think staying positive is a lesson I constantly struggle with. I love this post and I love your optimism.

Heather said...

I hate it when stuff hits me at bad times! I'm a great shower cry-er.

Glad your toilets are spotless!

Melly said...

I found focusing on what I could control helped also. Not only with navigating my infertility and treatment, but to many aspects of my life. It shows that you are a very strong women, even when life isn't so great.

Thank you for replying to my post.

Melly

Holly said...

We need to talk!

Teresa @ ♥ TOO MANY HEARTBEATS ♥ said...

Wow, what a powerful post!

I'm stopping by from Friday Follow, albeit a little late. :0) I'm your newest 'Follower'. I hope you will come by and visit me, too.

I will pray for you.

Teresa <><

AO said...

Oh JaLae, it's been a bit since I have read your blog. This was a good reminder for all of us. Thank you so much...

Sara said...

So true. It's hard to remember how limited our control is, but so empowering to realize that we do have control over some things that are so important. Great post! Enjoy the clean toilet.

(here from cdlc)

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