Remember my daily dose challenge? It was my big plan to live a full and fertile life in 2012, beyond babymaking and betas and FSH levels.
12 months. 12 challenges.
February is in the bag and my mailbox is seeing it through until the end. No matter that I came home late from work last night and found it tucked away in the cupboard...it is back on the ledge where it belongs for one last night. February is for lovers and I've milked every single drop out of it. To the very end.
But in March I am going to change my game plan. March was supposed to be about balance with plans to meditate and/or practice mindfulness every day.
Today on my train ride home from work I looked up as the Red Line passed the hospital and instead of sad thoughts, I felt a quiet peace. It was a nice feeling (which is a HUGE breakthrough that I'm even saying that).
If our story would have had a different outcome we would be celebrating a darling four-year old's birthday on April 3rd. As some of you know, there isn't much celebration when you are the mom of an angel. The days surrounding birthdays and due dates are usually spend sad and somber.
This year however, I don't want to do sad and somber. I want to do quiet peace.
So instead of a daily dose of balance in March, I am going to go to that special place in my heart and spend the days leading up to Colton's birthday with a daily dose of peace. In doing that, I hope to honor my precious boy.
There are a few vivid memories that I have about that time I spent in Labor and Delivery. I wrote about some of it in Our Story (Chapter 3: Without The Greatest Love There Wouldn't Be The Greatest Sorrow). When we arrived at the hospital I remember holding a tiny baby in a bloody blanket which amplified the crisis and then coming back from surgery and being handed an angel from the Bereavement Counselor who had been transformed. He had on a much too big blue hat and was wrapped in a delicate white crocheted blanket. I remember feeling a tiny ounce of comfort and a whole lot of love.
Through the years that have followed I've often thought about the person who spent the time and energy crocheting that work of art. I've always felt the blessing of their service and have often wondered why they did it. Perhaps that person understood what I was going through.
I also remember the apologies from my nurse and Bereavement Counselor because the white clothing that they had to go along with the blanket were much too big for my 1.32 pound little one. My mom came to the rescue with a doll pattern on the days that followed and was able to make a beautiful gown, which we had the honor of dressing Colton in for burial.
The Funeral Director later told my sister with tears in his eyes that there was a whole lot of love in that little casket. And he was right.
This is one of the reasons why I asked for a sewing machine for Christmas. I feel good when I serve and I feel peace when I remember my angel in that beautiful white gown and crocheted blanket.
That is a gift that I want to pay forward for another family. I want to knit tiny hats that fit and sew little outfits for burial or cremation that can leave at least a little bit of peace and dignity during the very worst of times.
And with that, it will be a Happy Birthday on April 3rd.
I'm sure of it.
1 day ago