Saturday, March 23, 2013

4th Round, Knock Out

$8,183.74

That is what I was told this week that I owe for our failed IVF.  $8,183.74.

Insurance denied the claim.

Despite all of my due diligence in speaking with the insurance rep and my company's HR rep (together!) after an employee meeting when there were insurance company changes made last year... Despite my due diligence in reading the new coverage details and questioning "lifetime total" descriptions (was that based on insurance carrier or my employer?)... Despite my due diligence in calling the benefits center last fall right before we started the cycle just to be sure, again, that it was insurance carrier... Despite the verification that the fertility clinic made in October which determined new carrier's coverage and our down payment ($3800 that we knew upfront wouldn't be covered.  Paid in full.  Cash.)... Despite all that, I got a phone call that said $8,183.74.

I don't even know what to do.

I've appealed the decision but, I'll be honest, it doesn't look good.  The insurance lady says this happens all the time.

Huh?!  If this "happens all the time" then something is seriously wrong with the system.

I actually broke down and cried on the phone. To three people. The clinic's billing department lady almost cried too because she was so afraid to call with the news.  I'm in knots just thinking about telling Mr. Thompson... because he's going to flip. straight. out.

Rightfully so.

$8,183.74.  Payable immediately.

How am I going to tell him that?! I don't know how, so I haven't. Yet.

I give up. I give clean up. But appreciate the "humor" of the billing lady who at the end of our very serious conversation said, "look on the bright side of things - you have 8 frozen embryos and FET is much cheaper.  That only cost $3,465.00!"

Do you know how much anger management costs? I may punch someone or something...

Starting with infertility.

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Grief 101

I have five little burial gowns to finish in in the next 15 days.  With the help of my mom, I make one for every year in honor of that little boy blue that I love so much.  I donate them to the hospital on his birthday. 

Tonight I closed my sewing box and cried.

Lori said it best today in a quote by Edgar N. Jackson.  "Grief is the silent, knife-like terror and sadness that comes a hundred times a day, when you start to speak to someone who is no longer there."

Yep.  A hundred times a day.

Silent.

Knife-like.
I love these hands.  Thanks mom.

Saturday, March 16, 2013

This is your brain. This is your brain off drugs...

I snuggled with Mr. Thompson today. I was unnaturally quiet, which he asked me about. That mister of mine. He knows me so well...which is why I was grateful when he didn't press after I replied that nothing was wrong, even though he knew I was lying.

Truthfully, I can't get those eight frozen little embryos out of my mind.

They weigh heavy and I think about them all the time. I don't now now how to talk about it all without everything bubbling to the surface and making a mess.

If/when do we proceed with another FET?
Is it a waste of time?
Could I really accept my sister's offering of surrogacy?
How far do we push this all financially, emotionally, spiritually?
Do I have the willpower and strength to lose the extra PCOS weight to gain a little advantage?
Should we redirect into adoption?  Is that even a possiblity?
What, oh what, are we going to do with those little embryos?
Blah. Blah. Blah.

Maybe it's because Mr. Thompson's 44th birthday looming in a few weeks. Maybe it's Colton's upcoming 5th angelversary. Maybe it's just the fact that I'm tired after going-on 7 years of infertility.

There is a lot to think about.

And it's heavy.

Friday, March 15, 2013

Friday Night Leftovers

What a week. My office desk was piled high when I returned after 6 weeks out of the office but it seems like the more I try to dig out, the higher my "to do" pile grows.

Kill me now.

I have so much personal leave that I don't even accrue it anymore. So on Monday morning, I threw conscience to the wind and announced I was taking the day off. (what's one more day, right?!)

It felt nice. I can count on one hand how many days off I've had in the last two months so I didn't feel one ounce of guilt. (go me!)

I exercised.

I went shopping.

I did laundry.

I read a book.

I cooked.

I sat outside in the sunshine.

I made glitter Easter eggs.

...

...

...I set my table.

Yep, you read that right. I set my table.

For two hours to be exact.

What can I say? I've always liked to set a formal table.

When Mr. Thompson walked through the doors he stopped and asked if the Pope was coming for dinner. Every day since he's been randomly naming off famous people trying to figure out who's coming to fill the four empty seats.This morning he shouted from the shower "It's Oprah isn't it?! You've gone and invited Oprah and she's probably going to bring DeePak to make us meditate..."

Ummm. Nope.

But as a benefit he did offered to buy me pretty new dishes this weekend. He's afraid to touch my set-up and all the plates are tied up for dinner with the Queen, whenever that will be.

(and that essentially sums up my week. Happy Spring.)









Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Outside of the Box

Gestational surrogacy.

What do you know?  How does it work?  Would you ever do it?

Discuss.

Saturday, March 2, 2013

Heads or Tails - Don't Count Your Chickens Before They Hatch

I'm back.

After 6 weeks in NYC managing Hurricane.Sandy Recovery, I'm back home for a break.  I'd like to say that it feels great to be back but I've been sitting at my computer/phone since 1:00am trying to manage a gas explosion response which happened in a remote village some 3 hours away.

Life in Emergency Management.

(it's a sickness really)

On the positive side - I received three job offers while I was in NYC. 

On the negative - Mr. Thompson will never move to NYC. (It's a Texas thing)

On another positive - Today (or yesterday rather) Mr. Thompson emailed me a job posting for a Director position out of New Haven, Connecticut.  In my book, that sounds a bit like permission...so I'm considering it. (Truthfully - I don't think he has any idea how close New Haven is to NYC. )

I guess that those pennies are paying off. 

Here's a funny bit of "Me" trivia: I (proudly) have been known to stop traffic for a shiny (or not so shiny) heads-up penny. After 16 years, I have a whole jar full of NYC street pennies half of which I'm sure have been urinated on.  To the great dismay of everyone around...I will always stop to pick up Ol' Honest Abe, no matter his location, so long as he is heads up and I can chant, "see a penny, pick it up, all day long you'll have good luck!". (Note: Never-ever pick a penny up that's tails up. Never. Ever.)

Quirky, I know. (In my defense, I have a friend who does it with empty dime bags...)

I picked up three shiny coppers the day before I left NYC so Lady Luck should be on my side.

Hopefully good fortune will follow because I'm in a conundrum over my frozen embryos.  This last IVF really took it out of me physically and emotionally (no surprise). It's probably the hormones still talking but I feel so tired of it all that the thought of doing FET again makes me want to break down and weep. (which I have).  Don't get me wrong - I'm grateful to have 8 on ice.  Two are high-grade Day 6 blastocysts which is beyond incredible..and I'm thankful... 

But...

I know that I need to spend time getting into better shape despite the "tick-tick-tick" of the clock which is blaring in my ear. Actually, the "tick" is sounding more and more like an alarm as I approach my 39th birthday.  Time is not on my side. 

Then there is the expense of it all.  I came home to an additional $2100.00 bill for freezing those 8 wonderful embryos.  More money, that even the best of magic penny jars won't cover.

What to do?  What to do? What to do?

(and while your doling advice - I was told that my blog feed isn't auto updating on timelines anymore.  Anybody know how to fix that?))

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