Friday, July 19, 2013

Growing Pains

I had dinner with a dear friend the other night. I met her in New York some sixteen years ago and from the second I met her, I knew that we were going to be friends for life. At least, I hoped so.

She knows me better than most and we've shared a lot over the years. College. Careers. Singlehood. Dating "Mr. Wrongs". Broken hearts. Finding "Mr. Rights". Happiness. Marriage. Children. Family.

Grief.

Although experienced in different ways, we've both tasted deep and lasting sadness. Me, in losing my Colton. Her, in a child born with a broken heart. Neither have been easy paths and grief has been a process for both of us. Different - yet same.

Wednesday night as we were having our occasional Girls Night Out (which always involves good food and even better conversation) I was struck by a lesson as my friend wiped away tears on my behalf.

The thing I've learned on this painful journey is that healing hurts. A lot. Not a day passes that I am not overwhelmed with the heaviest of grief and sorrow for having lost my precious little boy the way I lost him. As time ticks on and the dream of having another child feels like it is growing more distant on the horizon, sadness festers. I cry on my way to work great buckets of tears as I pass the hospital and remember wanting to die there. I ache in the middle of the night when my husband asks me to hold him after a bad dream because I know what that dream was all about. I hurt even as I genuinely celebrate other people's happy news.

Time will never, in a million year, make that all go away. Infant loss is a painful journey. Infertility deepens it. Yet, as I continue putting one foot in front of the other, I am healing with each passing milestone. I am growing. I am learning. I am moving. Sometimes in inches - sometimes in miles.

But like all deep wounds, healing hurts. A lot.

And that's okay so long as you have really good friends who will jump in the trenches and walk beside you.

Thursday, July 11, 2013

Looting

Do you know one of the major reasons why I love my Mr. Thompson?

Because I can crawl into bed...not make a sound...and he can reach over and grab me for a cuddle asking what's wrong.  I'll lie and say nothing in a perfectly normal voice...but he'll just know.

I must put off a strong vibe or something.

Or he's right and he just knows me that well. (scary)

So that's what happened last night.  After I secretly put together my baby purchases for my little nephew Owen, I was feeling a little blue.  Lil' Owen will make his grand appearance in a few short weeks and we are all really excited...but it doesn't make it easier.

Buying things for a little baby boy that isn't mine...is hard.

Thinking about giving him Colton's things which are mine...is harder.

So after I bought a few more things online and crawled into bed with my Mr. trying to hide my feelings (not to mention the money I had just spent), we had a great talk about how I need to be more kind to myself.  It's okay to cry.  It's okay to mourn.  It's okay to feel twinges of jealousy while also feeling really excited for the brother that I love the most.  It's okay to occasionally have bumps as I try to move forward. 

Here is Lil' Owen's loot (so far). My time will eventually come but for now I can brush the few quiet tears away and be really happy about what we're doing. My brother just started his own company and things are tight as they welcome #5, the boy they've always dreamed of.

Owen will be loved. Most especially by Mr. Thompson and Me.

Monday, July 8, 2013

Kicking & Screaming


Today I want to kick infertility in the balls.

I say balls instead of another body part because if infertility has a gender then it has to be male.

A female would never do this to herself.

(I think it's time to get a punching bag...)

Monday, July 1, 2013

Somehow. Someway.

One of these days, I'm going to figure out how to deal with all of these pregnancy and birth posts/pictures/comments on Face.book.

Somehow. Someway.

If it is the last thing I do.

...and if I sound a little bitter and jealous... it's probably because, at this point, I'm getting there. I had a friend get married 10 months ago and they just posted all 100 of their hospital pics. I also have two friends who are Lesbians. They both just had babies (separately). I mean...kill me now! What in heaven's name is the problem here?!

Then I see this post from my favorite online RE. He posted...

"Keep in mind that IVF can only give you the "opportunity" to become pregnant. It can't make you pregnant because the last three steps (embryo hatching from its shell, attachment to the endometrial lining, and lining growing around the embryo are natural processes that are in God's hands."

Very insightful for a doctor but I'll confess that when I read that, there was a little twist in my gut. Sometimes I just want to wave my hands to the sky and shout, "yoo-who...what about ME?!".

In three months I'll be 39. In eight months Mr. Thompson will be 45. When will it be our turn?

Someday.
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