Saturday, November 30, 2013

Day 20 - Visionary Me

"The visionary starts with a clean piece of paper, and re-imagines the world." - Malcolm Gladwell

(Part of a 21-day meditation.)

Today I made a point to reach out to someone that I've never had a conversation with before.  For five years I have offered polite greetings to my neighbors but I've never even learned their name.  Today, I decided to change that.  The wife was hanging Christmas lights with her 3-year old daughter and so I made my neighborly move.

What lovely people!

The husband is a youth pastor at a local church and they worked for a lot of years to get their beautiful little girl.

As I walked away I couldn't help but feel grateful for the things that bind us.  If there is anything positive about infertility, I think that it is in the compassion and empathy that I get from those around me.

Even my neighbors.

Life is much richer when we get out there and connect with others on what we have learned.  All of us are visionaries with something to share.



Friday, November 29, 2013

Day 19 - Blissful Me



"Joy is the net of love by which you can catch souls." - Mother Teresa

(Part of a 21-day meditation.)

What makes you happy?  Truely happy?  Greatest joy kind of happiness.

For me, it is my family.  Although we weren't all together this year for Thanksgiving, my parents came to spend it with four of the eight of us.  We had so much fun!

These are my people and I love them.  They bring me joy.

My youngest brother, teaching the bird who was boss.  (thank goodness November is almost over and he can shave again!)

Little sister with three plates of food.  She eats like a horse, has five kids and has yet to break 125 pounds.  I love/hate her!  


After dinner, every man in the house was in a food coma.  Hilarious!

Thanksgiving night we all hit the 3-D movie in the best theatre in America.  Reclining seats for everyone.  Thank you AMC!  Taking up two rows to see Frozen was a blast!

Black Friday shopping with my sis.

Game night.  Every night.  For four days.

Thursday, November 28, 2013

Day 18 - Creative Me

"If you hears voice within you say "you cannot paint" then by all means paint and that voice will be silenced." - Vincent Van Gogh

(Part of a 21-day meditation journey.)

How often have you said that you couldn't do something?  I'm thinking about that right now.  I'm trying to cook something new for our Thanksgiving Day feast... and I think that I've said 10 times that I'm not the best person to do it.  "I cannot cook."

Yes, yes I can.

Thank you Vincent Van Gogh for a really good thought this Thanksgiving Day.  I can do anything that I put my kind to.  

Even my dad's favorite fruit salad.



Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Day 17 - Inspirational Me

"It is the supreme art of a teacher to awaken joy in creative expression and knowledge".  - Albert Einstein 

(Part of a 21-day meditation journey.)

Today I was thinking about the power behind blogging as I focused on this meditation.  I think that each one of us has the power to inspire another.  I don't know if over the years I have done much inspiring...but I do know that I have been inspired many times over.  

By you.

For that I am grateful.  You have helped me through grief, disappointment, failure, doubt, and discouragement.

Replacing it with hope.

Monday, November 25, 2013

Day 16 - Uniquely Me

"Every individual matters.  Every individual has a role to play.  Every individual makes a difference. " - Jane Goodall

(Part of a 21-day meditation)

I don't know who Jane Goodall is but I like her.  That's a good quote.  Everyone has worth and I think it is so important to remember that.  

Often times I wish that we were just a little bit more kind with each other.  More gentle. 

We are all unique and we all have gifts.  Even me.  So what makes me unique and what are my gifts?...

Well...

Let me see...

I have to think about this...

My first name is unique (not Mrs. or "Me").   I'm the only person I've ever known or met with it and I've always loved that.  It has always made me feel special and unique.  I was named after my parent's best college friend who was studying in the United States from Iran. She was an exotically beautiful woman on the inside and out.  As neighbors, my parents took her and her husband (who was working on his PHD in agricultural studies) under their wing.  It was a wonderful friendship.  

From which I benefited.

My parents had to change the spelling (Jehleh) so that people could pronounce it on a little American girl but I've always loved my name.  It means "bright burning fire" in Persian.  I've always had a way with middle eastern men and I think that 50% of it is because of my name. (The other 50% is because of my green eyes and charming personality.  This is according to my best chum Sayid, but since he always says it with a smirk...maybe that isn't true.)

When I was older, I went to the same college as my parents and one day when I walked into the Ag Department, I met an older secretary who lit up like a Christmas tree when she heard my name.  She knew and loved the original Jehleh and told me all the wonderful things about her.

I hope that one day I leave a legacy like that.

By being unique.  And kind.  And gentle.  And good.

Day 15 - How Can I Serve?

"How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world.". - Anne Frank

(Part of a 21-day meditation)

What does it mean to serve?  

For many of us we think of big feats, large donations or grand gestures.  And while that is great for Op.rah and Bill.Gates, that's is not who most of us are (or will be).  To this day the most generous act of kindness that I have ever received came when I was young(er) and living in the ghettos of NYC.  I was a poor missionary on a limited budget, trying to do a good turn.  There was a woman at my church who was a single mom of two boys just trying to survive in a really harsh city.  She was from Latin America, didn't speak English and had the meagerest of means.  

But every week she would buy me groceries.

Black beans and rice.  Tortillas.  More black beans and rice.  Every week I would try to stop her from buying my groceries because although I had limited money as a missionary (think service) - I had a family back home who was supporting me.  Hermana Ruiz had nobody.  But that was an act of love that was very important to her and so she would sacrifice of herself and her family to feed me.  There was no stopping her.

Since that time I have always had a can of black beans and rice in my pantry to remind me to give what I can freely.  The Boy.Scouts just came through my neighborhood on their "Scouting.For.Food" drive and I gave them black beans and rice.  Mr. Thompson takes turkeys to the food bank every year and I haul in black beans and rice.

We eat it for dinner as a comfort food and I always think of that dear sweet woman in the inner city who I imagine is still trying to scrap by the harsh realities of life, but who is still sacrificing to buy weekly groceries for the missionaries.

That is service.

That is love.

..and through small and simple acts are great thing are brought to pass.



Sunday, November 24, 2013

Day 14 - Grateful Me

"Let gratitude be the pillow upon which you kneel to say your nightly prayer."  - Maya Angelou

(Part of a 21-day meditation.)

What a perfect way to kick off this week. When we appreciate all that we have in life, our egos step out if the way and we enjoy all that life has to offer more fully.

I've been thinking about some of the happiest people that I know and wondering why they are so happy.  When I list their qualities, I realize that the thing that they all share is the immense sense of gratitude that they always show.  On the contrary, when I think of the most miserable people I know, I realize that gratitude is the thing grossly missing from their lives.  It's all about "me" which makes them very inward focused.

I don't know about you, but I want to be happy.

Everything that I have I owe to God - the air I breath, my body, the simple beauty of being alive.  I am grateful.

This week I'm going to really strive to be more aware and more grateful in every moment.  I have been given so much and too must give.

I'll start with gratitude.

Saturday, November 23, 2013

Day 13 - Faithful Me

"It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are." - E.E. Cummings

(Part of a 21-day meditation.)

I believe.  I trust.  I let go.

Today I broke into a million little pieces.  I don't even know how to talk about it so I won't.  All I can focus on is the faith inside of me and who I am deep down.  Faithful Me knows that I am a daughter of a most perfect God who loves me.  Sometimes we have to really break and surrender in the quietest corners of ourselves to tap into the power of that principle.  All I know is that I can't do it alone.

I believe.  I trust.  I let go.

Don't.  Ever.  Give.  Up.

Day 12 - Inspired Me

Believe you can and you're halfway there."  —Theodore Roosevelt

(Part of a 21-day meditation)

I am inspired.  I am unstoppable.

So are you. 

Thursday, November 21, 2013

Day 11 - Intentional Me

"Respond to every call that excites your spirit." - Rumi

(Part of a 21-day meditation)

Today, the thing that excites me is Thanksgiving.  I love it.  More specifically, I love to decorate for it with spices, candles, and nutty goodness.  

While everyone is getting excited for Christmas...my cornucopia is full.








I create my reality.

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Day 10 - Passionate Me

"Wherever you go, go with all your heart." - Confucius

(Part of a 21-day meditation)

What is passion?  

It's a word that gets thrown around a lot.  Typically, it is associated with something that is burning hot...but what passion really is, is the power and joy that gets sparked by being present each and every day.  

It's loving the journey.  The one you are on...Right.  Now.

I had to really think about this today.  I like to think that I am a very goal-oriented person.  I have goals and I've set dreams.  Because of those goals and dreams I usually keep my eye on the horizon to what is just out of reach.  Unfortunately, I often get too focused on the destination, instead of the beautiful journey.

In the last ten days I've scribbled about this a few times on The Daily Dose.  I think that is what I'm becoming most conscious of through this 21-day experience and for that awareness, I am grateful.

Today was a great day in the right direction.  For 20 minutes today I just laid still and concentrated on breathing.  I honestly think it is the first time EVER that I consciously felt air fill my lungs.  It was an incredible moment.  It was a moment of perfection and physical awareness that I strangely haven't experienced before.  My mind didn't wander.  Thoughts weren't intruding.  I didn't fall asleep.  I just focused on breathing in and out, feeling my diaphragm rise and fall.

Pretty cool.  After it was over I realized that I even take the basic act of breathing for granted.  And that is something I do... I don't know how many... times a day.  

I am where I am right now because of past choices - past moments - past breaths. When you think of it in those terms than I am right where I am supposed to be.  And these very moments are going to propel me forward so I certainly want to be more conscious in them.  More aware.  More focused.  Really breathing.

Now is my time.  So I did something....

Remember that would-have-been nursery that has been sitting as an empty room in my house for the last 5 1/2 years?  Well, today I took a step in the present and started to transform it into what I really need.  An office.

Before...





After...  (a day's work, which is a start!)


(Much more work to be done. Closet doors to be added, desk chair to be found, futon to be recovered, crown molding to go up...)


(...More family photos to be added!  I took this one of my nieces and framed it.  Love 'em!)


Again, let me say it:  It's about finding joy in the journey.  The one I am on...  Right.  Now.

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Day 9 - Focused Me

"We must walk consciously only part way toward our goal, and then leap in the dark to our success." - Henry David

(Part of a 21-day meditation journey)

I love today's quote.  Right now I definitely feel like I am walking towards my goal - literally and figuratively- and while I have a destination in sight, at some point I'm just going to have to leap into the unknown.

Again.

I met with Dr. H yesterday and we developed a good plan.  Right now the focus is on getting my uterus healthy and ready.  This is what's ahead:

I'll continue to work to get my weight to the most optimum BMI range.  If I lose 30 pounds - I'm there.  That is completely achievable and I'll keep working aggressively on it.   

I'll start birth control right now to get my cycle regulated.  

I'll start Metformin to help with my sugar levels. (ugh!)

I'll start Vitamin D because I'm abnormally low and Fish Oil to help my triglycerides.  A Prenatal will be the cherry on top.

In the next few weeks (early December) I'll go in for surgery with another Hysteroscopy.  Basically, he wants to scrape my uterus again because it's been a year since the last procedure.  With my history, there is a really high chance that the fibroids came back so they will put me under and scrape it. (and yes, this hurts.)

If things go well, I'll have a 6-8 week recovery while my uterus is growing a healthy, fluffy lining.  When we achieve it (with the help of more daily intramuscular progesterone shots), we'll do the embryo transfer.  We have 7 excellent to good embryos to chose from and with current thaw trends we should end up with 4 or 5 (factoring a 70% thaw rate).  Ideally we will transfer two.  The biggest question is if we want to unthaw the 4 Day-3 embryos and try and let them grow to Day-5 where they will be joined with the 3 blastocysts.... or if we want to try and get two cycles out of this.

My feeling is last chance - throw everything but the kitchen sink at this.  Let them all unthaw together in a staged approach and then chose the best.

Dr. H thinks that we should be more conservative and go for the two-cycle approach. (surrogacy?!)

We'll see...

Regardless, it feels good to have a plan. I'm walking toward my goal and when the time is right, I'll leap into the darkness and pray that a net will appear to catch me.  Again.  Even if it isn't the result I'm hoping, praying, pleading, meditating for.

I am focused on what I want.

Monday, November 18, 2013

Day 8 - What Do I Want?

"Certain things catch your eye, but pursue only those that capture the heart." - Native American Proverb
 
 
(Part of a 21-day meditation journey)
 
 
What. Do. I. Want. ?
 
That's a powerful question.  To be honest, I'm not really sure what the answer is.  I know that I stand in front of infinite possibilities and I can pursue anything that I want with focus, intention and passion.  That is probably the most important lesson from my childhood.  My parents where wonderful at letting my siblings and I just explore and become.
 
Anything we wanted!
 
Self discovery is a process and where I am at 39 is not where I was at 5, 12, 18, 25, or even...38.  My dreams of today are not something that I believe that I've fully tapped into yet.
 
But if I had to answered it today, this is what my (somewhat incomplete) answer would look like:
 
I want...a lasting marriage.  That is my deepest human relationship desire.  I am married to someone who has been married twice before and I am very aware that an "out" is always an option under those terms.  But I want something different.  My grandparents were both married 60+ years respectively.  My parents have been married 50 years this summer.  My (seven) siblings have never tasted divorce.  My people don't do that.  Yet...I'm very aware that it is a possibility.  Marriage takes work.  A lot of work but I don't ever want to give up on it.  I would be lying if I said that I didn't ever think about quitting... because sometimes, I do.   I think it just like my grandmothers thought it...and my mother has thought it...and my seven siblings have thought it at one point or another.  But we don't.  We work at it.  Thank goodness Mr. Thompson and I, in all of our imperfections, are equally committed to the same goal.  I will work until my dying breath (and beyond) to ensure that I always do my part, plus some.
 
I want...to be a mother.  Family is everything to me and as I watched my mother have a tea party with my 18 month old niece on Thursday (one of her 26 grandchildren), I thought to myself...."Self - I want to do that".  I want to be old and grey, sitting in a rocking chair laughing at my grandchildren.  It isn't about society or religion telling me that motherhood is important.  It is my inner spirit that whispers that I want to live a really long life and with that last breath I take, I want to look up into the eyes of generations who will come and know that I've led a good life and done my part.  That Mr. Thompson and I built something lasting and good - an eternal family.  I know that I'm a mother to an angel and a wonderful step-daughters but it's different....
 
I want... "to become the change I wish to see in the world".  Ghandi said it best and that quote stares at me from my office wall each and every day.  I want to create a life and a career of  lasting goodness.  I want to make a positive difference in everything I do.  Period.
 
Maybe I will reach these dreams.  Maybe I won't.  But at 39 you can bet I will keep trying which is why I have a 2pm appointment with Dr. H to discuss our Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET) schedule and next steps.  There may be a day when we consider surrogacy, adoption or the foster system.  But for today, it's FET.
 
That's where I am at.  That is today's dream for myself.
 
What is yours?

Sunday, November 17, 2013

Day 7 - Fearless Me

"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face." - Eleanor Roosevelt

(Part of a 21-day meditation journey)

Today I thought about my greatest fear - the thing that is holding me back.  I am ready to let go of the struggle and resistance to take the next step forward.  For I know that in moving forward, there is abundance and endless possibility.  Dr. Phil 101 says that we can not change what we don't acknowledge, and in today's meditation Deepak basically said the same thing.  He asked me what my greatest fear is.

I am afraid of failure.

There, I said it.  That fear keeps me reaching and working to achieve, and there is goodness in that... but there is also a lot of negativity.  On the downside, it feels like disappointment.  Within myself.  Constantly.

Because I am not there yet.

What if I fail in my quest to become a mom?  What does that mean?  Those of you fighting the same infertility fight know what that inner dialog looks like.  You feel...less than.  You question God's love.  You question you ability.  You quesion your "worthiness".  You question everything.  

Example:  I was standing in my kitchen this morning trying to cook a stupid ham and failing at it miserably.  There is a trick to my dad's glaze that I wasn't quite getting.  It frustrated me.  In that moment the thought actually entered my mind that I probably wasn't a mom yet because I suck so bad at cooking.  

Seriously? Seriously.

Back to that game of "Bull Shit".  Now I am a smart, educated woman.  I know that's a big fat lie...but still.  That fear is there.

And it's been telling me a lot of big fat lies for almost seven years.

On today's meditation quest, Deepak took me climbing up a beautiful mountain and had me pulling a bunch of weeds along the path upward.  As crazy as it sounds, it strangely felt very liberating.   As I was pulling weeds, he helped me understand that as I let go of my fear of failure... I open to abundance in my life.  I open to my destiny.  I will be free.

In other wards, he called "Bull Shit".

(and I didn't even fall asleep while he was doing it.)

Saturday, November 16, 2013

Day 6 - Resilient Me


"We can complain because rose bushes have thorns, or rejoice because thorn bushes have roses." - Abraham Lincoln


(Part of a 21-day meditation journey.)

In life, it is fairly certain that we will each experience difficult and challenging passages.  They are the ebbs and flows of life and we have all experienced them.  I am no different.  The highs have been high and the lows have been...

Opportunities.

Blessings in disguise.

Lessons.

Necessary parts of the journey.


Deepak said something in today's meditation that really struck me,  He said something along the lines that each step along the path of life, regardless of the destination, is an exciting part of the adventure.  The moment themselves are the gift, the journey itself, the rich reward.  

I love that thought.  A gift resides in every moment.  They are the sum of my experience and make me who I am.  

Resilient.

(but apparently still tired because I fell asleep again...)

Friday, November 15, 2013

Day 5 - Abundant Me

"Not what we have but what we enjoy, constitutes our abundance."  —Epicurus

(Part of a 21-day meditation journey.)

Confession:  I fell asleep during today's meditation.  At least I think I did.  20 seconds into Deepak's soothing voice and I was out like a light. At least I think I was.

I do this almost every time and the strange thing is that when Deepak's done and the little bell chimes 20-30 minutes later to signal the meditation's end...his voice tells me to open my eyes and I do.

Strange.

Because I could swear I'm aleep until that chime.  Maybe I'm just in a trance.  Or a coma.

Anyway, today I thought about my purpose here on earth (while I was sleeping). I was asked what my true passion is in life and it was an easy answer.

My family.  My friends.  My work.  

I get to live my passion every day and it's awesome.  I don't think I've ever had a day that I've dreaded going to work.  Honestly.  There have been days that I've been too tired to go to work...but those days always come after long day(s) or night(s) "working".  

Turn on your TV and watch what is going on in the Phillipines and you'll understand why.  I love to serve the downtrodden.  I love to lead an army of volunteers who represent the best of humanity.  I love to offer hope and help.  I love to stretch my mind and strategize on how we can make disasters less disastrous.  I love to jump in the trenches and get dirty in the name of compassion.  I love to feel useful when most people feel useless.  I love to lead by example and use my God-given talents for something honest, kind and good.  

I'm grateful for a 15-year career with the Red.Cross which has allowed that.  

Joy and abundance come effortlessly when we are paying attention and pursuing our passions. When I was single my aunt gave me a really good piece of advice.  She said, "Make sure that whoever you marry has a passion.  It could be for guns, cars, comics, whatever - just make sure he has a passion in life because if he has that, he'll have desire and drive and will always be able to take care of you."

Did I mention that I met Mr. Thompson at a senior management meeting...at work?

Yeah, he has passion alright.  Like me.  And I love that it's all about love.

We'll never be rich but we'll always be happy.

Thursday, November 14, 2013

Day 4 - Conscious Me

"The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new lands but seeing with new eyes." - Marcel Proust
 
  
(Part of a 21-day meditation journey)
 
I read an interesting article yesterday.  I didn't go searching for it...rather it was delivered to my phone as part of a Ya.hoo news alert.  Headline read "Survey Reveals the "Ideal Age" for Women to Have Children".  First rule of infertility, never open these stories because they are pure and total nonsense.
 
But, of course, I did.
 
And guess what? It would seem that women should start having children by age 25.  I'm...39.  Do you know what I was doing at 25?!  I had moved back from NYC (the first time) and was finishing my International Relations degree.  In Mexico.   I was dating guys that I probably shouldn't have been dating back home... and if you want the real dirt, I may or may not have been busy kissing a hot Cuban in a sketchy dance club somewhere in Mexico City (which I don't regret by the way.  Sorry mom).
 
I wasn't even close to getting married.  I was growing up like most 20-something-year-olds.
 
Thank goodness.
 
So for today's meditation as I think about the messages that constantly bombard us and lead us to believe that our lives are ones of scarcity, are lacking, and/or give us the false message that we have to compete... I want to play that favorite family game of Bull Shit.  I call "Bull Shit" on all of it.  It's a big fat lie.
 
Women shouldn't start having babies at 25.  Women should start having babies after they meet the man of their dreams, make the forever commitment and feel nice and ready to do so.  Period.
 
Thank goodness that I didn't listen to what the world tells us because if I did I would have probably thrown my morals to the wind and listened to that hot Cuban when he asked me to go back to his hotel room with him.  (That's when I stopped kissing him by the way).  But according to the nonsense in this survey, I should have jumped at the chance so I could get pregnant because that's when I was in my "prime" fertility.  
 
Bull. Shit.
 
Experience what the world has to offer while being true to yourself and your own moral compass.  Appreciate all that you've been given.  Be truly grateful and unlock the door to all of the power, wisdom and creativity in your universe.  In the words of my older sister (who hollers this every time my car is driving away...), "Wherever you are - be there!".
 
Be conscious and connect deeply with what is in front of you.  Do it when you are (only) kissing a hot stranger at 25 and do it when you're meeting with a Reproductive Endocrinologist at 39.  Do it if you have kids and are just trying to make it through the day.  Do it when the kids are all grown up and you're working to redefine the next phase of your life.  Do it in your career.  Do it as a single woman.  Do it with your spirit.  Do it when you exercise.   Be conscious and be present.  Abundance is all around and if we are aware - we can truly usher anything we want into our lives. 
 
Hallelujah and Amen. 

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Day 3 - Confident Me

"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams."                                    - Eleanor Roosevelt

(Part of a 21-day meditation journey)

Today's centering thought has been that abundance flows easily and freely to me.  The universe has infinite power and organization...and I am but a mere small and seemingly insignificant part of it.

Yet, I am still a part.

Mother Teresa often spoke about the power of one.  She compared us all to drops in the ocean... and then reminded us that without our missing drop, the ocean would be less.  I've always loved that thought.

I must have confidence in who I am and what I am. I must have confidence in Me.  This has turned into a bigger challenge than I ever perceived because seven years of infertility has stripped me down to my core. It has pained me, embarrassed me, made me cry, questioned my faith, shut me down and shut me up.

But at the same time that it has seemingly destroyed portions of my self-confidence as a wife, mother and woman... it has also built it back up.  New and improved.  Strengthened and more fortified. Different, yet same.  Restored and more resilient.

There is boundless energy available all around me and I must tap into it as I go forward with confidence and faith trying to capture my dreams.  I have a tremendous network of family, friends, neighbors, co-workers and even strangers like you.  You teach me to reach for the stars.

As the saying goes...even if I only hit the moon, I'm still lucky and better off because at least I've left the earth's surface. 
 

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Day 2 - Empower Me

"Man did not weave a web of life, he is merely a strand in it.  Whatever he does to the web, he does to himself."  - Chief Seattle

For Day 2 of my 21-day meditation I really thought about the concept of karma and the ebb and flow of energy in my life.  What we give - we receive.  As I thought about this I really hope that I'm giving in a way that is gracious and good because those are things that I hope to receive back into my life.  Grace.  Goodness. 

I also thought about my desire to connect more deeply with the present so that I can increase my awareness of "what is".  It seems like, especially with my infertility struggles, I am always chasing an illusive rainbow.  No matter how much I run towards this dream of mine...it always stays just out of reach.  When I think I've finally arrived to the place where the rainbow's end is supposed to be - I look up and the darn thing has moved!  Again.  In being so focused on that colorful pattern in the distance...I know that I am missing so much of the beauty and wonder that is more immediately around me.

In the room that was supposed to be Colton's nursery and has since remained empty,  there is a saying on the wall that reads...

No Rain.  No Rainbow.

Today I really thought about that a bit more.  I want to learn to not only appreciate, but more fully enjoy, the storms of my life.

All of them.

With the rain on my face and the wind at my back.


Photo:  evening sky during my commute home last week... one of those beautiful (literal) storms!

Monday, November 11, 2013

Day 1 - I Am...

Today I started a 21-day meditation experience.  Pretty funny if you know me.  Not quite my norm, thanks to a stressful meditation experience I had years ago with a friend in NYC.  We went to a yoga studio and for a few hours I was supposed to lay there on the floor and just think a one word mantra over and over and over.

Ever tried that?  I swear that it is humanly impossible to just think one word for over 120 minutes (at least for me) while staying relaxed with a man barking over you because he knows you aren't doing it right.  Instead, I spent the whole time trying but really frustrated because I was a failure at "meditation".  I later learned that wasn't true meditation but still cringe at that one word.  I've tragically never been back to a yoga study since but I'm thinking about changing that.

One step at a time.

So here I am again, embarking on an exploration of my inner self in an effort to expand my understanding and magnify my life.   I guess that I've always mediated when I consider that I pray daily to a higher power and really try to make it a heartfelt, reflective and peaceful moment in my day. It keeps me grounded and clear.  I enjoy it as I open and close my day, starting fresh and ending reflective.
During this time of year it isn't uncommon to find me with a gratitude journal (Face.book doesn't count people).  This November, I instead decided to accept Deepak's 21-day meditation experience helping me focus on desire and destiny.  Thank you Oprah.  So here goes...

Day 1 - Who Am I?

That is the question and Mark Twain said it best.  "The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why."

In my effort to find out why...I know first and foremost, that I am a daughter of God.  Even in the worst of times I have never doubted that simple truth.  I have a Heavenly Father and He loves me. Some of my atheist friends will roll their eyes at that but it is what I believe at my core.  I am loved.  I am cared for.  I am blessed beyond measure.  I am also here, as a human, having a human experience in the hopes of something more.  I was created for greatness and here I am in this earthly experience trying to reach it.

Hence, another reason for this 21-day meditation experience.

I am so much more than that and my journal is full today of who I am...but I also know that I am my deepest desire.  What I want, I can accomplish.  This has been my reflective thought of the day.

I am my deepest desire.  Even in infertility.

I am strong and I can do this.
The Daily Dose
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