Friday, October 9, 2009

In The Present

I should be sewing a cute little Halloween costume right now for a one year old. I don't exactly know how to sew....but that's beside the point. In my mind, I should be doing it.

But I'm not.

That is the thought that stopped me in my tracks at work this morning. Out of all the things I have to be worried about and focused on... this shouldn't have been one of them. So I'm a little perplexed about where it came from and why.

But it gave me a really good mental exercise during my treadmill workout tonight.

I don’t like living with “should.” Lots of things "should" of happened, but did not. Living with “should” has kept me stuck. Really-really stuck. And you know what?

I don’t want to be stuck anymore.

I want to be present. I no longer want to live in the past of what happened, as traumatic and life changing as second trimester infant loss was. I no longer want to live in the future searching for what I don't have, as challenging as ongoing infertility is.

I want to be in the present.

Living in the present means that I get to enjoy my favorite time of year - Fall. The tastes, the smells, the changes. It means that I will take long drives with Mr. Thompson again and really see the landscapes around me. It means that I'll wake up with my nose cold and will sprint to the shower to really feel the thrill of warmth. It means that I'll enjoy every last drop of my hot cocoa as I watch the sun rise. It means that I'll drink it in my favorite "feel good" mug. It means that I get to be present for my husband as watches football every day of the week and as he explores his new found love of guns, motorcycles and Winnebagos. It means that I'll be present for my friendships, both old and new, as the people I adore navigate their new paths. It means that when I take my dogs for a walk I'll do it with purpose and joy. It means that I'll give myself a break when I sneak a little chocolate. It means that I will appreciate and recognize my staff for what they did today - not what I expect of them tomorrow. It means that I won't wait until I'm 40 to go skydiving or 60 pounds lighter to go skinny dipping. It means that I'll smile more and be sad less.

Living in the present means that I won't think about the fact that I should be sewing a Halloween costume.

Because I'm not.

Which is okay because today is...what is is.

And it's pretty darn great.


Holly said...

Love you Lady!! Or should I say "Jolly JaLae!?" ; )

Katie Jo said...

Well said dear. Love you.

Noelle said...

Wow...this is perfect! A good reminder for me too...

K said...

here from creme de la creme, beautifully stated. However, I am so sorry for your loss.

Lut C. said...

Popping in from the crème de la crème list.

This such a well-written post, and spot on. I want to live in the present as well, but it's a struggle to forget the should in my life.

Ms. Pollywog said...

You write beautifully.

"I don’t want to be stuck anymore."

This is so significant. I am so glad that you were able to gain the perspective to see where you were and to make a choice to not continue along the same path. Life is all about living. You, my friend, deserve to live it well. You are undoubtedly worth it.

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