Friday, April 30, 2010
This Friday Follow is brought to you by Project IF. An amazing project full of strong and beautiful women who feel what I feel. (click on the link to find out more)
As part of part of National Infertility Awareness Week we've been asked to explore and write about a "what if ". So I've thought about it all week (which is probably why I haven't been blogging as much over the last few days) and the "what if " that has been on my mind is...
What if I have to learn to live child free with a smile….forever?
It would be...or rather, is... hard. Really really hard.
But I'm learning to do it. Because, no matter what ever happens with this recurring infertility, I know that it will never be forever.
Because I have an angel. A truly beautiful angel. Who has ten perfectly tiny fingers and ten perfectly tiny toes. I know because I've seen them. I've felt them. I kissed them goodbye at 24 weeks.
They belong to a little boy that I get to think about often and occasionally see in my dreams.
Dreams in which I am a mom. Walking my son down a tree-lined lane to the school bus. Laughing as I push him high into the sky on a swing. Singing him lullabies as I rock him to sleep.
Someday those dreams will become a reality.
Because I believe in Forever.
I hope so, because what if we didn't have things like infertility and infant loss to teach us about hope and faith...and that we are so much stronger than we ever thought we could be?
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Funny how it feels longer than only three days. Maybe Mr. Thompson is right - I'm addicted.
But how is that a bad thing when this is, in all actuality, my journal? (Psychology 101: what the mind believes is real...becomes real!) Last I checked, journaling was a very good thing so blogging must be a good thing too, right? All that meditation, self-reflection, family history, etc.
Take that Mr. Thompson!
He's out of town this week so I can say things like that. We flew back from our much needed romantic get-away late Sunday night and he stuck around long enough to change his bag before leaving to Vegas for "work" early the next morning.
And since he's been gone... I've been in a really weird mood. I can't explain it but I think that my blog has been suffering for three - going on thirty - really long days.
Actually, I can explain it. I feel a titch wierd because it's National Infertility Awareness Week. And trust me - I'm totally aware.
So aware that I did in fact write (and mail!) Dr. Phil a letter to give him a piece of my mind. I'm in a dither over the "The Dr. Phil Family". You know the one I'm talking about....the highly dysfunctional group of people that are on every Monday. The parents who poorly parented and as a consequence are forced to re-parent (instead of grandparent) because their bratty daughter had her first baby at 15....second at 18 (different dad)....and is pregnant again at 23 (yet another guy). She got her children taken away...and now the parents (who are really grandparents) are on the brink of divorce because the one daughter is an unfit mother..while their other daughter is a drug addict (because her sister - the unfit - got all the attention...when she started having babies at 15). It's dysfunction at it's finest and Dr. Phil has been trying for a while to get them straightened out.
It doesn't appear to be working.
So yeah, I'm having an issue with National Infertility Awareness Week. Because I would be AN AWESOME MOM!
Seriously, I would. My mother wouldn't be forced to re-mother...my sister would stay off drugs....my dad wouldn't have an affair... and my poor children (all three if I were so blessed) wouldn't be left holding the emotional baggage.
But don't worry - I'm not bitter.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
I. Don't. Want. To. Leave!
I would rather go back to our Bed & Breakfast and curl up on the couch while I watch the sunset and waves roll in.
In Newport, we splurged on a room with a couch that sat next to a fireplace....in front of open glass doors....with the waves crashing about 100 feet away. We kept the doors open all night and let the waves (and jacuzzi tub) lull us to sleep.
In Cannon Beach, we hooked up with Uncle Tom and had a great day driving the coast and walking up and down the beach.
I even got pooped on by a seagull which is a sign of good luck (according to the ocean researcher who was showing me starfish in the tide pools at the base of Haystack Rock).
With the Crab Fest in Astoria this weekend I was a bit concerned the further north we went without a hotel room. No need to fear.
Poop paid off when when we found the Stephanie Inn (without even getting back on Hwy 101). Thank goodness for a husband who believes in traveling well.
Tell me this isn't heaven?!
This next week is National Infertility Awareness Week (April 25 - May 2). What better way to start it than a couples retreat to paradise WITHOUT electronic fertility monitors, pills, pee strips, shots, ovulation predictor kits, thermometers, etc.
Hello romance. Nice to meet you again.
Friday, April 23, 2010
If you are an "oldie but a goodie"....welcome back! My Peeps are the best.
This Friday Follow is brought to you compliments of the Oregon Coast. Yay for vacations. After business meetings in Portland, Mr. Thompson joined me for a nice extended weekend at the beach.
He's been trying to get me to move here for years and I've been resistant to the idea. Actually - I'm okay with the Portland part....we are just stuck on the negotiation between Maine and Oregon. Neither one of us will budge so we are at a standstill in Great American Desert (which is what my bagpipe teacher calls Utah).
After traveling through what has to be one of the most beautiful parts of the US (OR-99W to OR-18 between Portland and Lincoln City) I think my mind is opening up to the possibilities. Instead of Maine's blueberry farms and quaint little antique shops... we are passing tulip fields and Christmas tree farms which, I must say, are equally as beautiful.
Which leads us to our Weekly "What If": What if... you suddenly had the money (earmarked for this purpose) to purchase a vacation home, where would you buy it? You would still need to keep your current residence and couldn't live in this vacation home for more than a few times a year, making it a place to visit rather than a place you inhabit.
As for me, my "what if" answer is a beach house on the coast near Portland. Maine 0r Oregon?....right now I'd take either.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Humm....it's been a while. I need to speak to Mr. Thompson about that.
Anyway, I was given this award by the always funny Rebecca. When I say funny - I mean FUNNY. The girl is hilarious and her blog is one of my favs because she always says it... Like. It. Is.
This award however, has stipulations. I hate stipulations (aka: rules) but because I want to avoid the curses that always go along with broken chains...I'll graciously accept and give it my best.
Because I'm gorgeous and that's what gorgeous people do.
We play along.
Rule 1. Accept and thank the person who gave it to you. (would have done this anyway because my momma raised me right!) - Gracias Rebecca. You entertain me too!
Rule 2. List 5 interesting things about yourself. (this is a stretch!)
- I once hiked an active volcano in Mexico and met some cool monks who live at the top.
- I secretly love to participate in political protests.
- I'm really sarcastic.
- I drove a canoe around New Orleans post-Hurricane Katrina.
- I love to mow the lawn.
- I couldn't hike that active volcano right now if I tried.
- I'd rather make peace not war.
- I'm really sacastic.
- I wasn't very good at "driving" the canoe.
- I let my husband get out of mowing the lawn each. and. every. time.
- ~C over at My Life As I See It...because she is a GREAT friend and an even better Mom. Check her super cute blog out!
- Noelle over at Because Nice Matters...because she makes me happy when skies are grey.
- Holly over at Pilgrim Village...because she is my Jillian and WILL make me lose weight come hell or high water (still love that sayin').
- Danifred over at Sippy Cups Are Not For Starbucks...because she is always so clever and I want to learn more about her.
- Rika over at Does This Count As A Journal....because we share a fond appreciation for all things Peter Cetera.
There you have it folks.
I'll be signing autographs at Costco on Saturday at 3pm. Hope to see you there!
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Monday, April 19, 2010
After a bout of identity theft years ago (by an ex-boyfriend...which is a whole different story)...I'm hyper-sensitive so I google my name occasionally as a precaution to see what I'll find.
Typically I'm associate with a lot of Red Cross info on the web as my name is all over press releases, presentations, etc. This time however, I found something a bit more interesting. The advantage of a unique name, I guess.
Did you know that there are a total of 13 people in the United States with my first name?
Technically 12 because two of the 13 were actually me.
I'm listed under my married name...and under my maiden name. A lot more information than I want associated with both names, if you ask me.
This time I got a map to tell me where these beautiful people live. (shaded states)
Interestingly enough.... two of the 12 showed up under my maiden name. One in New York (me) and one in Louisiana (not me - unless it's a cruel twist of fate post Hurricane Katrina disaster assignment). I dug a little deeper and look what I found:
Meet Ja'Lae Wilson, age 8 from Louisiana. Item #104 on my Bucket List.
Someday I am going to meet her because we are the only two people on the planet with that first and last name (she spells her name with an apostrophe- I don't).
In this photo she is tying a letter to a balloon as part of Youth Days at her community center. According to the newspaper article the thank you letter was written in celebration of Juneteenth from children to their ancestors who were slaves.
"Ja'Lae Wilson, who wrote a thank-you letter to her late grandmother, said she's thankful she and other blacks are free.
"I learned about love," Ja'Lae, an 8-year-old student at Iles Elementary School, said about participating in the event. "Because when you fight and don't love, God shortens your days. It is not nice to fight and be selfish."
Amen little Ja'Lae...Amen!
I couldn't have said it any better. When you fight and don't love, God shortens your days. It's not nice to fight and be selfish.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Thanks for joining the fun and I hope that you enjoy your stay.
For a taste of today's little bit o' random.....
My dog is manipulative.
She has Mr. Thompson convinced that if she says outside for longer than 5 minutes....she will experience serious psychological problems.
And he believes her, thus giving his wife serious psychological problems.
That's what I call a lose-lose situation.
Went to a baseball game last night. Nothing better than baseball on a warm Spring evening with a boos and hisses from underage drinkers on one side....and "L.E.T.S.G.O - Let's Go, Let's Go (clap clap)" from a bunch of middle school cheerleaders on the other. This Yankee fan respectfully joined the boos and hisses. It felt more natural.
Doctor's diagnosis: (and I quote) "We need to do 4 things..."
1. Make sure the swimmers can swim.
2. Make sure our chick (me) can lay eggs.
3. Clean out the tubes so they have a nice first date.
4. Give them a happy home for when the magic happens.
If we ever are blessed with another miracle I swear that I will teach my child Sex Ed like Dr. Hatasaka taught it to us on Friday. It strangely made perfect sense (and beat the Super Nova movie that my parents used, which my siblings and I are still ironically trying to figure out!)
As part of "#4 - Give them a happy home" I was told that I have to lose 20 pounds before our last round of IVF.
Weight Watchers here I come.
I know that we've never met (100% your choice)....but you make it extremely uncomfortable when you show up to Lil' A's soccer games and sit by us. I think that God should take away your title of "Mother" until you earn it. Lucky for you, Mr. Thompson turned out to be an amazing man despite your best efforts.
As someone fighting to have a child - I swear that I won't throw it away like you have. Motherhood is too precious for that.
The mommy blogs I have been reading as part of Friday Follow prove it! Mothers don't forsake their children. Ever.
Friday, April 16, 2010
Confession: I love my peeps. I'd love to have more. peeps = friends...and friends = happiness.
Not to mention that they support my "porn addiction". That's what Mr. Thompson calls this blogging gig. He thinks it's my porn addiction on the computer and reminds me frequently that I can call the hot line on the billboard that we pass each morning on our way to work.
Speaking of Wise Guy....I wish that you all could have seen him today at our consult with our new Reproductive Endocrinologist. I truly thought that he was going to get us kicked out of the fertility clinic after we met with the lovely Dr, Hatasaka (yay- I got brave and switched to Dr. B's new partner!). When the nurse met with us about pills and bills he got slap happy in his humor when it came time to discuss his "collection" in the room down the hall which he refers to as the "execution chamber". The nurse was on the floor laughing and I was kicking him under the table.
He got an A+ for relaxing the mood and it was a good reminder that laughter really is the best medicine.
Especially when it comes to infertility.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
I'm talking about the kind like I had when I was twelve years old... sleeping under the stars at summer Girls Camp... breathing the fresh mountain air... dreaming about Peter Cetera... and how I went to a concert and made him fall madly in love with me after one glance. I was the reason behind "The Glory of Love". I bet you didn't know that, did you?.
Our love affair was so good that I've been trying to have that dream every night for the last 23 years.
Lately however, I've been trying to force a different sort of recurring dream. One in which I am sitting on a beautiful sandy beach...wearing loosely fitted white linen pants which wave in the ocean breeze (don't know why that is an important fact - but it is).... as I sit barefoot....playing the bongo drums....as I watch the sunset go by.
I sound like Bob Marley on those bongo drums.
I look like Cyndi Crawford in those white linen pants.
I think it's time to book my flight to Hawaii.
Monday, April 12, 2010
Oh yes, he did.
and I quote...."you know, if I had to pick between you and our dog.....I think I'd have to go with the dog".
After I picked my jaw off the ground... I had to remind him that the dog doesn't make half of our household income, give him back rubs, foot rubs, iron his cloths, clean his toilet, or give him 50 flippin' coupons for his birthday which demand everything from "one week of romantic surprises"... to "shopping at Cabelas without complaint"... to "bubble bath for two".
Pick the dog over me, I don't think so!
He might want to rethink that strategy.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Couples like Mr. Thompson and me.
Who want babies.
And I'll confess: sometimes it is tough. Especially considering that I'm a Wilson...and all Wilson women have children. A lot of children.
I'm the singular exception.
Like many women who face the challenge of infertility, I am reminded of a Chinese Proverb which says, “To get through the hardest journey we need take only one step at a time, but we must keep on stepping”.
So I try to keep the faith and keep my feet moving in the right direction. Even when it's hard.
One step at a time.
Sometimes however, I have to stop and think about what the next step will be. Like right now.
A. Stay with the very nice Dr. B at the Reproductive Care Center even though I don't feel "connected" with him or like he is "in tune" with me?
B. Transfer to Utah Center for Reproductive Medicine at University of Utah, one of the nation's leaders with IVF and reproductive medicine?
C. Stay with Dr. B's office but transfer to Dr. H....the former Medical Director from the Utah Center for Reproductive Medicine who just transferred and became partners with Dr. B?
D. Venture to the unknown and take Holly's referral to a doctor from Idaho who just opened the Utah Fertility Clinic 45 minutes south...but isn't necessarily touted as a "national leader"?
Help! I'm at a cross road and the meditation channel isn't giving off clear inspiration. We've got only one more shot at IVF. One. Uno.
What to do? What to do?
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Jesus said love everyone...and I do...I really do...but Sarah Palin I would really like to redeem a "shut up voucher" from you which clearly states that I can enjoy silence for however long I dictate. At least, that's how it worked with Mr. Thompon's birthday coupon book.
I can't take one more minute of stupidity.
And while I'm on my box.... I would like to turn my bullhorn to Headline News, CNN, NBC, ABC and every other "news" station on the planet. Instead of spending more time talking about dysfunctional celebrities, cheating athletes and how Jesse James really is an outlaw... CAN WE PLEASE FOCUS ON SOMETHING A LITTLE MORE CONSTRUCTIVE AND HEALTHY? Here's an idea - let's go back to reporting on actual news. And no, Tiger Wood's sex addiction doesn't count. For heavens sake, his name is Tiger!
How about we discuss...
My local school district which is planning on laying off 250 teachers.
Or the really great kid in my community whom blood donors have been rallying around and keeping alive for months....who just got rejected by Medicaid for a liver transplant which is robbing him (and us) of hope.
Good heavens, it's Spring so there ought to be more cats stuck in trees somewhere. I'll even settle for that.
But no more Palin. No more political stupidity from both the donkeys and the elephants. No more Tiger. No more Sex Addiction. No more over indulgent celebrities.
I can't take it.
Friday, April 9, 2010
Yay for Fridays!
- You should become one of "My Peeps". Really you should...cuz I take good care of my peeps and it validates all my time and efforts on this silly blog. (click "Follow" on the right toolbar.)
- Took off for a long Easter weekend with my sister and spent some much needed time at my parents casa. I woke up (late) Sunday morning, snuggled deep under my mom's quilt and smiled at all the photos on the wall. Photos of my family. We are loud and crazy bunch with 2 parents, 8 children, 26 grandchildren, 2 dogs, 10 horses, a gazillion cows (hey - it's Idaho!)....but it sure is nice to be so loved.
- Came home to a very romantic Mr. Thompson. He must have missed me. Four days away gave me about three years worth of romance all rolled up into the few days since my return. I think I'll run away with my sister more often!
- Decided come "hell of high water" (where did that saying come from and what exactly does it mean?!)...I am going to become a Master Gardener and a competent chef. Okay, I'll settle for semi-competent chef. Wish me luck because I'm (unfortunately) starting at the bottom of the barrel on both counts.
- Let's talk about these darn coupons that I gave Mr. Thompson for his birthday last week, shall we? Why didn't you, my peeps, tell me that I shouldn't give him FIFTY?! Because I swear that he's trying to use all of them this week... and if I have to give him one more foot rub or back scratch I'M GOING TO SCREAM. I hope that he breaks it up with the "alone time" or "gift of silence" coupons soon.
- American Idol has inspired me. Think I can learn to play The Beatles on my bagpipes? I can guarantee that Robert de Brus (ornery old Scottish teacher) is not going to go for that but I'm feeling brave. By the way, the bagpipes are finally starting to sound like the bagpipes. Lucky you.
- Caught Mr. Thompson joining Whale Quest Kapalua, an environmental group which is working to save Humpback Whales in Hawaii. Seems I'm making headway with my NRA-loving husband. Thank you Discovery Channel and National Geographic for accomplishing what my PETA pamphlets could not! I think he's going to turn into a pirate and crusade against Japanese Whalers. This should be fun.
- I need hair help. Tried a new stylist a few months ago who was ultra flamboyant and hilarious...but I hated the cut/color....despite the lively and entertaining conversations about his boyfriend and house-boy. I wish I could stay but I can't because I'm a hair diva. Any recommendations for a stylist who is going to rock my socks off?
- Two week countdown to Portland and an extended weekend on the coast with my mister. Can't wait! While I'm taking recommendations for stylists....anything for accommodations, restaurants, etc on the Oregon Coast? I'm an ocean diva too.
That's a wrap. Get out your own saran and visit Danifred to join the leftover fun.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Spring is a time of renewal -- remembering you are alive, emerging from hibernation, and sprouting forth with new energy and focus.
What better way to celebrate Spring than to give Viva la Vida a makeover?!
Nothing I say.
So, what do you think?
(yes, that is a question...for which etiquette dictates that you should reply via comment. Unsure how to do it? Click here. )
Sunday, April 4, 2010
two years on this side of it is a really good place. i remember hearing (and loathing) the phrase, "time heals everything" or something like that. back when the wound was still open and raw, that saying only mocked me, as time slowly dragged on with no relief in sight. i remember wishing i could just snap my fingers and be healed of the pain. looking back now, i can see how valuable the slow healing process really is; to be able to see how far you have actually come and to appreciate the process that brings not only physical and emotional healing but also spiritual healing. it's one of those experiences i wonder how people can survive without faith in God. to know that even in the hardest time of my life, i still had hope, peace, joy, and even contentment....and to feel this way completely drug-free....i know it was only because of my faith. and not the size or depth of my faith, mind you, just that i had at least the amount of a mustard seed. :)
also, i believe that because of my faith, i can sit here today and honestly say that i am thankful for my experience. meaning, if i were given the choice today to go back in time and change the events of 2008, i actually would not. this is where it gets tricky to explain. i know some people will get what i'm trying to say, and others will think i'm heartless. i assure you it's not the latter, really! but i am at a place where i am very content with where my life is today, and that includes the testimony of my son's short life and death. to go back and change that testimony now would be to lose out on not only my own amazing and transforming personal experience with God, but to also disqualify every good thing that came from his life and to selfishly cancel any positive effect that colton's life had on anyone else. i know for certain through the hundreds of messages we've received, that colton's life did in fact greatly impact others; not because of anything we did, as we know it was because the Lord used it for good (Rom. 8:28.)
i would never want to change any of it. keeping the perspective that this life is not all there is strengthens me to make it through each day i live here without him. my faith tells me that he is in heaven and that one day i will not only see him again, but spend eternity with him. my time here without him is equivalent to a small dash on a never ending line.
i don't want to live my short life here with incessant grief over missing him, or always wondering "what if?" (though i'm sure i'll have some days like that.) instead, i want to live each day celebrating the gift that colton was and still is to us and reflect on all of the good things, the priceless things, that came from his life. sure, i miss him greatly. but i remind myself that i will see him again soon enough.
so....yeah. this is where i am almost two years later. it's where i prayed to be so long ago now. it's a place i wasn't sure i'd ever be. i don't mean to sound like i have fully "arrived" at any particular stage in my faith or in my healing process, because there is always work to be done in my heart. but it's where i spend most of my days now, and it's a good place. where i used to feel like, "why does this have to be my testimony?" now i feel like, "i can't believe i have the privilege of this testimony."
that is what a little bit of faith + two years will do.
"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." ~ Psalm 147:3
"There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.
...He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live." ~Ecclesiates 3:1-8,11-12.
So in 47 days as Little Brother leaves for Camp Pendleton...I know that I'll see that same look of pure love and pride on my father's face.
Because Cody is one of "The Few. The Proud."
And I love him.
So I pray that America takes care of this little brother of mine. He is the most precious thing that my family has to offer.
Guard him well.
Saturday, April 3, 2010
By Elena Wilson (my 10 year old neice)
Friday, April 2, 2010
Enjoy this week's leftovers....
1. I hate to say it but I'm glad that the birthday is over. I've created a monster. I insist on celebrating my birthday for the entire month of October and this year Mr. Thompson decided to get even. I've been living with directives and commands for a week with "...but it's MY BIRTHDAY!" and whew - I'm tired. I officially declare that Birthday Week is over.
2. I'm getting ready to unveil something cool with Viva la Vida. It's going to rock your socks off so put your seat belts on.
3. I've spent a lot of time in the kitchen this week so the leftovers are good. I dipped chocolate covered strawberries (yum!) and passed them around the neighborhood. I made my sister homemade chicken noodle soup (noodles and everything!) and drove it 1.5 hours because she's been feeling under the weather. I also took funeral potatoes to the church for a dear friend's funeral, after she lost her really valiant battle with cancer. As you know, I'm not the greatest cook... but there was a lot of heart in the kitchen this week.
4. (sigh)....Dorthy knew what she was talking about. "There's no place like home. There's no place like home. There's no place like home. " It's good to be back in Idaho and with the people I love the most'est. Tomorrow my dad and I have a daddy daughter date planned. I can't wait. I've really missed him. Sometimes a girl just needs her dad.
5. Tomorrow is my angel's birthday. April 3, 2008. It's been the longest two years of my life....it's been the shortest two years of my life. The tears don't come as frequently anymore... but they still come. Somehow, I think that they always will.
Needless to say, this week reminded me how important it is to Viva la Viva!
Thursday, April 1, 2010
But he's okay with that. Direct quote...."it just makes the hunt that much better. I might even have to fly to California when I find it..."
Yep, it's officially a midlife crisis. No other reasonable explanation.
And yes people - I'm very serious when I say that he is getting that car.
Unless, of course, Heavenly Father intervenes before the end of summer and makes us get something a little more "car seat friendly".
Come on big money!
We'll spin this wheel and see where we land. Successful IVF or TT Roadster.
That's what we Thompsons call a "win-win".