Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Love & Support - FET CD15

(Frozen Embryo Transfer, Cycle Day 15)

I'm giddy with excitement.

Thursday is the big day.

My appointment with Dr. H went very well last Thursday and it gave us A LOT of hope. If all goes well...we will do the transfer late morning.

I say "if all goes well" meaning that the embryos come out of their freeze which will start earlier that morning. At this point, in Dr. H's words, "they are what they are". They either will come out of it...or they won't.

I believe that they will.

Want to know why I am so believing? Simply put: those two little embryos have a lot of people pulling for them beyond their mom and dad. They have people praying for them, hoping for them, going to church for them, and showing amazing support and love.

Most impressive is a group of my staff at work who let me know that they are joining together to hold a special prayer and religious fast for us. It really touched my heart that they would care so much about me and my situation. I think a few of them keep up on my blog which I'll admit...was scary at first because I try not to blur the lines between my personal and professional life. But right now I can't even begin to tell them (and you) how much it means to have so many people pulling for us. So many people who truly care.

For that, I'm tremendously blessed and I can't wait for the day that I get to tell this (or these) baby (or babies) how much love and support was demonstrated on their behalf.

It's awe-inspiring. So with that, I'm going to join them in prayer and fast with a heart full of hope, gratitude and appreciation.

It feels great to be so loved and I hope that these two little perfect embryos feel that and grow - grow - grow.

Friday, May 27, 2011

The Graduate - FET CD ?

(Frozen Embryo Transfer, Cycle Day...I dunno)

First of all, let me say that I think I've had this whole "cycle day" timing wrong. I've been tracking it from the start of my last menstrual cycle but that must be wrong because I just noticed that my schedule says it's CD11 (not 18). So much for trying to track it...

Regardless, I had my final ultrasound/blood draw this morning in preparation for next Thursday's FET and it's official...

I've graduated.

The lining was perfect and everything looks great. I asked Dr. H if he had any reservations (this being our last treatment and all...) and he smiled at me and said "absolutely none!". Whew....

In celebration my Best Best Friend is coming into town in two weeks so we can celebrate like we did in 1993. We've been Best Best Friends since we were little girls playing YBA basketball...and I can't wait to see her. She's having a baby girl in September... and I'm hoping my little bean connects with her beyond-a-bean, womb to womb. Best Best Friends in the making.

If there ends up being multiples then it will be a threesome friendship like we had with our friend Todd. He became my Best Friend (not to be confused with Best Best Friend) in that sophomore biology class where suicide girl slit her wrists. Of the two guys sitting next to me, one became my boyfriend and the other became my Best Friend. (who was actually boyfriend's best friend at the time but I stole him). This Best Friend married his high school sweetheart (another friend) and for 22 years he's sent me random messages reminding me how ugly I am.

That's love.

I better call him to tell him that although I'm ugly...my baby(ies) won't be!

Viva la IVF.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Hope - FET CD17

(Frozen Embryo Transfer, Cycle Day 17)

Tomorrow morning is our final ultrasound/blood draw for next week's transfer. We'll be checking the uterine lining. If it's thick enough...we move forward.

If it isn't...

Just cross your fingers, toes and everything else that it is.

(pretty please).

Monday, May 23, 2011

500th Post - FET CD 14

I've been putting this post off.

Thinking that I need to do something big for my 500th post.

Something...Oprah countdown big.

...but I can't compete with that because she's been making me cry every day for weeks (seriously - I cry every flippin' night when I turn on that DVR. What's up with that?!). Since there have been enough tears to last a lifetime let me just say this:

Behind me is infinite power. Before me is endless possibility. Around me is boundless opportunity. Why should I fear? - Stella Stewart

As I approach next week's FET transfer this is where I'm at and for that I'm so extremely grateful. It's amazing considering that this blog started three years ago as an outlet for grief. It was sad... it was painful... it was devastating...and beyond the rain I couldn't see the rainbow. After trying so hard to have a baby and then losing ours, this was my private (which turned not-so-private) attempt to regain something that I lost along the way - joy and hope in the journey.

500 posts later I think that I'm getting there. I am back in the sunshine and although the journey of infertility has been challenging...it has taught me so much about myself, my relationships, and my priorities. Next week will be the last infertility treatment for Mr. Thompson and me and while I don't know what the outcome will be - I can honestly say that I have a brightness of hope. Along the way, this journey has truly become less about fear and more about faith.

Realizing my infinite power, endless possibility and boundless opportunity.

Viva la Vida.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Just Dance - A Flashback To Prom

This is what Mr. Thompson calls my "Nampa.High Attitude".... (if you look closely you can see it)

It's been coming out a lot lately. Last weekend Mr. Thompson referenced it when we saw a bunch of kids at a local restaurant enjoying their Prom dates. I think it was accompanied by an eye roll which got me thinking about my high school proms...

This was my Sophomore Prom date.

He was from Belgium and my sister set it up. I was devastated when s/he asked me because I had a huge crush on another senior who I knew was going to ask me. (I think I cried for two class periods when he didn't...)

This was my Junior Prom date.

We met in Sophomore biology class when we sat next to a girl who slit her wrists during class (bad breakup with a "Stoner"). We dated for a while during our Sophomore/Junior years and again in our early 20s...until I moved to NYC. I almost stayed home for him but at the 11th hour took the leap of faith and left. Thank goodness I did! I think he drives a beer truck now...

This was my Senior Prom date.

We started dating the summer before my Senior year until we parted ways to go to college. I broke up with him because I didn't think he was ambitious enough. He's now a District Attorney...

(and still my favorite Prom date because despite the big price tag of the dress, my dear mother sacrificed to buy if for me.)

This was my secret (second) Senior Prom date that the District Attorney didn't know about.

This friend tried (unsuccessfully) to teach me how to dance like a cowgirl in a quiet little "one-horse" town where I quickly learned that prom is a very BIG deal. (The whole town came out in all their finery which was strangely a lot of fun. God bless rural USA!)

Good times with a "Nampa.High Attitude".

(And just for the record, if I could talk to this girl again...I would tell her that she is NOT fat!)

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

E2 Check - FET CD7

(Frozen Embryo Transfer, Cycle Day 7)

Aside from getting poked 3 times and ultimately having the nurse draw blood from my wrist...today's E2 (estradiol) level was awesome.


The nurse told me that anything higher than 200 is great at this point - showing that my uterine lining is thickening (good for the embryos to implant into in just TWO short weeks. Yay me!).

As I was standing there chatting with the nurses, Nurse C asked me if I wanted her to call me with my blood draw results. I laughed and told her yes because I'm working at being a little less "clueless" about this whole infertility deal.

Then I shared with them what Nurse K once said about me being an anomaly because I'm not fanatic about all the nitty-gritty details...to which they all rolled their eyes and begged me not to change.

I guess "clueless" is good when you trust the people you are working with.

On the drive home I couldn't help but grin from ear-to-ear thinking about what a great time this is in my life. I'm full of hope and it feels oh-so good.

I don't know what will happen in the next four weeks but I do know that I'm going to enjoy every second of every day making the most of the possibltiies.

Because right now, the possiblites are endless.

Monday, May 16, 2011

Pills and Bills - FET CD6

(Frozen Embryo Transfer, Cycle Day 6)

I'm dying to tell you a secret.

It may, or may not, have something to do with the motorcycle which mysteriously appeared in my garage on Saturday afternoon while I was at my massage (aka: torture) appointment.

But I can't say. Because it's a subject that I'm not supposed to blog about.

That Mr. Thompson....I sure love the junk out of him.... but he better wear his helmet so my kid(s) have a father without dents in him.

When I asked if I could get a motorcycle too...the reply was a very quick "NO!". His reason was because his kid(s) need a mother without dents in her.

I like the way he's starting to think. (not if - but when!)


In other news, I have questions about some of the contradicting Day 3 suppression and estraiol check information that I've been reading about.

Dr. H said that a CD3 uterine lining measurement of 5.8mm was "fantastic". Is that what you've experienced/heard? (Because I've been reading that it should have been at least 10mm...)

Also, my CD3 estradiol level was 38. What have you experienced/heard? (Because some of the information that I'm reading says that is too low....)

I'm confused.

Which reminds me about something a nurse once told me. She said that I'm not your "typical" IF patient because I don't go crazy tracking and writing everything down. (Honestly, I can't even remember how many IUIs we've done. I think it's 6 but it may be 5....or 7). I think that what she was kindly trying to tell me was that I'm...


(Please help.)

Friday, May 13, 2011

The Spring Thaw - FET CD 3

(Frozen Embryo Transfer, Cycle Day 3)

I knew today was going to be a great day when I woke up singing "Leather and Lace".


Occasionally Mr. Thompson wakes me up in the middle of the night with a shake and a frustrated "you're singing again!". Today I must have been loud because I woke myself up.

And it was awesome.

So I kept singing all the way through the shower...all the way through my morning report...all the way to Dr. H's office.

Today was my suppression check (ultrasound) and after playing hide and seek with my ovaries (again) Dr. H got a twinkle in his little Japanese eyes and said, "yep - we're definitely ready for a spring thaw!"

Music to my ears.

My uterine lining measured a "fantastic" 5.8 mm (more than 10 at this point and I'd have to wait another month due over thickness)...my estradiol level was 38 (under 100 is "where we want it")...after 4 months all evidence of the OHSS is FINALLY gone (Whew!)... we were able to get "textbook" PCOS shots of my "pearl strand" ovaries (not necessarily a good thing but it was interesting and both are quiet and happy so I'll take it!)...and (drum roll please)...

These kids are finally ready to come home!

To a mom and dad who are profoundly happy and full of buckets of hope. Let the "spring thaw" begin.

Thursday, May 12, 2011

Won't You Be My Neighbor - FET CD3

(Frozen Embryo Transfer, Cycle Day 3)

This afternoon, when I realized that my arse was numb from sitting behind a desk all day...I decided to do something I haven't done in a long time:

I took a lunch break.

Actually, I took a walk for a lunch break. To the 76 acre historical farm across the street.

Funny thing: I've passed this park/farm/big barn at least twice a day for seven years and I've never stopped. I've thought about taking an afternoon walk at least once a day for seven years and haven't done it.

Until today.

What a treasure! The air was fresh. The baby lambs were adorable. The wetlands were a surprise (who knew?!). The cow milking demonstration was hilarious. And the afternoon walk along the Little Cottonwood Creek was exactly what I needed.

It taught me that I should get out more often. There is a lot of living just waiting to happen.

Right next door.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Balancing Act - FET CD 2

(Frozen Embryo Transfer, Cycle Day 2)

Today is going to be a great day. Do you know how I know?

Because the sun is going to came out. (Think positive! Think positive! Think positive!)

In celebration...I booked a massage.

I also decided that I need to get back to doing some of the things I love. Like...

Playing the bagpipes.

You didn't know that I do that, did you?! I started taking lessons 2 1/2 years ago as I was coming out of the grief process. I wanted a fun distraction (aka: hobby) and that was it. Goodness - I just realized that recently I've been blogging about the challenges without any of the fun stuff.

Like massages and bagpipes. Viva la Vida!

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Hormones - FET CD 1

(Frozen Embryo Transfer, Cycle Day 1)

I'm feeling a little "blue" today.

Part of it may be AF.

Part of it may be Mother's Day.

Part of it may be the 7am cry that I had with a favorite employee (they are all favorite) because her daughter-in-law went into pre-term labor last night with her 28 week twin grandbabies. We had a good, long bawl together.

Part of it may be...well...I don't know why.


Saturday, May 7, 2011

Infertility's ABCs & 123s

Here are the ABCs and 123s of my infertility journey:

A. Age when you started TTC (Trying To Conceive): 33

B. Baby Dancing or Sex: Sex (What ever happened to "making love"?!)

C. Children wanted: Originally I wanted 3, but now I'll settle for one. (Whether the one will be in heaven or on earth is yet to be determined...).

D. Dogs/Cats/Fill in Children: Dog. (For some reason, cats hate me!)

E. Essential Oils/Vitamins/Snake Oils: I'll try anything...once!

F. Fertility Meds I’ve taken: Clomid, Fermara, Metformin, Human Chorionic Gondotropin (hCG - Novarel and Ovidrel), Follicle Stimulating Hormone (FSH - Bravelle and Gonal-F), Gonadotropin Releasing Hormone Agonist (GnRH agonist - Lupron), Heparin, Estradol....and some other meds I can't remember.

G. Gain: Definitely gain. Don't get me started on this....

H. HSG (Hystosalpingogram): 1...2...3!

I. Infertile Pet Peeves: "It must be the hormones talking again."(compliments of Mr. Thompson when he wants to aggravate me!)..."Just relax", "Just adopt", "Just pray about it" (compliments of other people when they want to aggravate me!)

J. Job title: Non-profit manager

K. Kid’s names you’re afraid will be taken by the time you can use them: Maggie (my mother!), Emma (someone I admire!), Isabella (just like it!)

L. Length of time TTC: 4 years, 3 months, 22 days, 7 hours, 32 minutes...and 15 seconds... (make that 16 seconds)

M. Miscarriages: No. 24 week loss thanks to pre-term labor? Yes.

N. Number of times you’ve switched OB/GYNS, REs, FSs: REs - twice... (We'll have to switch to a high risk/specialized OB/GYN when we get to that point again)

O. Ovarian quality: Not so hot. I've got PCOS. (unless you consider that we retrieved 33 eggs last round)

P. POAS (pee on a stick) or wait for AF: POAS since I have to take medicine to induce AF.

Q. Quote from an obnoxious fertile: "I bet it's nice to sleep in and have all that extra money..."

T. Time you tried naturally: 1 year

U. Uterus quality: Horrible. Getting pregnant is only half the battle...staying pregnant is a bigger issue.

V. Vitamins? Honestly...I try...but for the life of me I can't help but gag as I swallow. (which means that they usually come back up)

W. What baby stuff do you already have?: A monkey hat. And it's more for me...not the baby.

X. X-tra X-tra Hear all about it! How many people know the ins and outs of our crazy TTC journey? Our family, a few close friends, anyone who reads this blog (much to Mr. Thompson's chagrin!)

Y. Yearly Exam. Do you still go in even though someone sees your lady parts most months?: Oh goodness...I didn't even think of that.

Z. Zits: *deep sigh* ...just got my first one (since I was 14) last week. On my neck. *deep sigh*

Friday, May 6, 2011

I'm Glad It Is Friday!

I thought this day would never come.

Thank goodness it did.


The day that I can kiss birth control pills goodbye.


And ever.

And ever.

With that, I feel better already....

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Doubt Not - Fear Not

I'm scared.

One month from today I'm scheduled for our transfer. I'm trying to soak in every moment with positive, proactive energy and thoughts.

But today it isn't working.

What if...it doesn't work?

What will I do with the monkey hat I just bought?! There it sits on my dresser reminding me to doubt not - fear not. I bought it last weekend for that very purpose. (Trust me - you would have wanted to be a fly on the wall of the store during that marriage conversation!) Then I took it to my sister's house for show and tell so we could try it on my niece's doll... and laugh about how ridiculous and adorable it all is.

Utterly. For that reason, this has to work!

But what if it doesn't?

Monday, May 2, 2011

Tears in Heaven

Lupron makes me cry. There is no other explanation.

Here's the proof...

  • I cried through that entire Royal Wedding. I couldn't help it. The bride was just to beautiful, her prince was just too happy and the hats were just too crazy.

  • I cried all through this week's episode of Extreme Home Makeover. Tears. I can't help it - military families are #1 in my book, especially my own.

  • I cried last night when Mr. Thompson turned on the news and we saw Osama bin Laden was finally dead. This was something that I didn't expect. Out of the blue. I thought of that horrible day and what it did to me. I thought about all my first responder friends in NYC and how we made it through. I thought about the victims families that I worked with for two long years...and realized that I've forgotten some of their names and some of their faces. I frantically searched my journal at 5:00am trying to remember. I realized that it's been 10 long years...and in those 10 years I learned to hate one person and what he stands for a lot more than I realized. I looked at those college kids chanting outside of the White House and wondered if they really knew who and what they were cheering for. And that made me cry.

  • I cried again this afternoon when I realized that one of my "peeps" who didn't have hope yesterday...now has a little more because she got an unexpected miracle when she least expected it. I hope that I get the same miracle. Congrats Cherbear - three cheers for the little embryo which could!

Yep, Lupron definitely me cry.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Support Our Troops

Do me a favor, will you?

Go visit my twin and EBFF (electronic best friend) Krista and show her some love. We've been on this challenging journey together since January and this girl deserves nothing but the very best.

The. Very. Best.