Friday, November 30, 2012

Post Script

Having a baby shouldn't be this hard.

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

S.O.S. (Save Our Ship)

Not going to panic.  Not going to cry.
Not going to panic.  Not going to cry.
Not going to panic.  Not going to cry.
Not going to panic.  Not going to cry.
Not going to panic.  Not going to cry.
Not going to panic.  Not going to cry.
Not going to panic.  Not going to cry.
Not going to panic.  Not going to cry.
Not going to panic.  Not going to cry.

Just found out that my medications are $949.67.  Payment due immediately. 

In 2011 the same meds, using the same insurance, were $198.00.

Not going to panic.  Not going to cry.
Not going to panic.  Not going to cry.
Not going to panic.  Not going to cry.

Totally going to panic.  Totally going to cry.  (What was that about keeping calm and carrying on?)

Monday, November 26, 2012

Que Sera, Sera

The irony of this day is killing me.

For the last week I've been psychologically preparing myself for a canceled IVF cycle.  Keeping things positive with alternate plans, I decided to go home for an extended Thanksgiving weekend, spend time with my family, and unplug with the mindset that whatever will be...will be.

(queue Doris Day's Que Sera, Sera)

A push back is not ideal but over the last month all the signs have pointed in that direction so I've become 100% fine with that as I've worked on alternate plans.  I've been relaxed and conditioning myself to the probability that this cycle will most likely get cancelled and we'll have to wait at least another few months for my body to recover more.  

No problem.

I packed my bags to NYC, absolutely prepared that I would be traveling tomorrow to complete my 3 week management rotation for HUR Sandy.  I told associates in Washington DC that I would let them know my confirmed availability this afternoon and I've gone about my business.

I guess that I should have clarified that timeline a little more because as I pulled into my doctor's office at 9:00am, I got a text from one of my staff wishing me luck in NYC.


I scrambled for my email and sure enough, there was a communication with my deployment information.  It gave me 24 hours to arrive at either LaGuardia or JFK. 

Apparently "I'll have my availability confirmed by this afternoon" translated into a "yes" at 11:00am eastern standard time.  I scrambled in the parking lot, quickly calling to put things on hold for a few hours and then headed in for my telling ultrasound.  I was prepared and resolved for a delay.

And as luck would have it... the ultrasound was beautiful.


Lining is right where it needs to be.  Ovaries are quiet.  PCOS is under control.  Uterus showed a little residual blood but not much and Dr. H feels confident that it will all flush out when they stop the birth control this Friday in preparation for our suppression check next Tuesday. 

Stimulation injections will start that night if suppression is confirmed.

So there you have it folks.  We are back on track for a non-NYC Baby New Year.  We did discuss an escape route in case things don't go well in the next week, so if all else fails...

I still have jury duty!

I think that the best part of all of this is that I'm learning to react better to the things for which I have no control.  I've stayed happy, hopeful and most importantly relaxed throughout the emotions of it all which is a huge step forward for me.  Almost six years of infertility, infant loss, and IVF feels like a never-ending emotional roller coaster,  but I can honestly say that I'm working hard to keep calm (and carry on).  No matter how this all turns out, my life is good.

Really, really good.

Blessed in fact.

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Laugh Now, Cry Later

One week.  I have exactly one week for my uterus to decide to play nice and turn the corner.

Needless to say, fingers are crossed since they started me on a high dose antibiotic last Saturday because the test results, of course, came back positive for post-op infection.


But don't fret little poppets.  I'm making sure that all is in order for my HUR Sandy 3-week disaster management rotation if everything goes south.  My bags are packed.  I'm ready to go. 

New York is still calling.

That is of course, so long as I can get out of jury duty.  As luck would have it, notice came today that I'm on-call for jury duty the first week of December.

For the love of Wally!  I swear that my life could be a sitcom.

Seriously.  It could.

Saturday, November 17, 2012

Back To Life, Back To Reality

I'm an idealist.  A sunshine, butterflies and glass-always-full of lemonade, kind of idealist.

My best friend however is a realist.  She probably doesn't remember this but about 20 years ago (in our 30+ year friendship) we had a discussion about how she always expects the worst and gets pleasantly surprised...while I expect the best and often-times get disappointed. 

Pretty funny because we are both happy, fun, loads of laughter kind of personalities.  But (and yes, I know it's not grammatically correct to start a sentence with "but") we get there is sometimes different.

She is a realist and I'm an idealist.  Yin-Yang.

As a realist, my Yin has taught me many things throughout the years without even realizing it.  For example, she has taught me to better prepare myself.  

Once upon a time, I thought that I was 150% in love with a boy.  It was of
course going to last forever because he was a prince. When I got slapped by reality, I was D E V A S T A T E D.  Instead of seeing the very clear 
writing on the wall, I was dreaming about rainbows and castles.  Luckily 
for me, my Yin was more grounded and saw the train wreck coming so I 
had a soft place to fall.
Two years ago, it didn't even enter my mind that our last IVF wouldn't work.  Not really.  And as I was bawling my eyes out over that HUGE
disappointment, my Yin was again waiting patiently with tissue providing the comfort I desperately needed. (I still have the perfect card, which said
the perfect things in the drawer next to my bed.)

My life has been full of those examples.

So as I lay here at 4:00am with a heating pad on my stomach...I've been thinking about what Mendy would do.

I've been preparing myself with a little reality.

Because I'm "me", I'm going to proceed with the sunshine theory that IVF will start in two weeks as planned and we'll have a positive result on New
Year's Day.  It will be a magical time during a magical season.  I can't

But by shear virtue of the fact that I'm currently cuddling with a rather
warm electrical devise...I will acknowledge that it may not happen
according to that timeline or plan.  They did lab work yesterday to check 
for an infection.  Most people have light cramping and spotting for 1-2 
weeks following a's been 3 weeks and I'm just picking 
up steam.  Da#% uterus.

Dr. H said we'll do an ultrasound on Nov 26th to figure it out.  

But (and yes, I still know it's not grammatically correct to start a sentence with "but").. what I do know is that I'm not going to be devastated if our cycle does get pushed back.  Rainbows are nice but I won't be blindsided by IVF disappointment.  Again.

Because my Yin has taught me well.

IF...the ultrasound doesn't go according to plan, I'll be on a flight to NYC the next day, November 27th.  Dr. H agreed to give me my doctor's note if he has to pull the rip cord.

We'll reschedule IVF after the new year and I'm okay with that because more time is what my body so obviously may need.  We are blessed with good jobs and we'll come up with more money.

It will still be a magical time during a magical season.  The second best thing to making helping needy people in NYC during the holidays.

And that, my dear friends, is the power of reality.  You get to make alternate arrangements.  

- Posted from my iPad

Friday, November 16, 2012


God is good.

2 1/2 weeks ago I dropped a volunteer off at the airport so she could deploy to NYC for Hurricane Sandy. I drove her car to my house so it wouldn't get broken into or vandalized at work. That was the last time I touched it...and the last time that I saw the keys.

So tonight, I looked high. I looked low.

I tore my house apart.

Inch by inch.

I spent an hour trying (unsuccessfully) to break into the car with a wire coat-hanger to get the second set of keys which are inside. (who does that?!)

Finally, I walked back into the house and knelt down for prayer. When I was done, I stood back up and knew exactly where those keys were.

(In the strangest place possible!)

No coincidence. God is good.

Which is another reason why I know that things are going to be okay with this IVF cycle. Come rain or shine, everything is going to be just fine...

- Posted from my iPad

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

On Being Beautiful

Just one of the many, many, many reasons why I love my Mr. Thompson...

Isn't it sorta-kinda awesome that I still get butterflies when he calls me "beautiful"?!

Because seven-years later, I still do.

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Up, Down and All Around

It's a good thing that I like roller coasters!  Because I'm on another one.

As you know, our original IVF stimulation start date was scheduled for November 17th (with a December 23rd pregnancy-result blood draw).  My heart got set on that Christmas miracle...

Until I was told last week that I would need to wait at least two months to start our IVF cycle.

This was due to the extensive "scraping" that Dr. H had to do on my uterus during surgery a few weeks ago.  Not expected and not ideal.  Thus, he expected some prolonged inflammation and really didn't feel like I'd be ready for an IVF cycle until January.

Today that changed. 

Again.  (For which I am extremely grateful.)

Although we will do whatever we need to do for the very best possible outcome...I'll confess that we were stressing about the additional $2,500 that we would have to pay if a retrieval were to be scheduled after December 31st.  I've met my insurance deductible for 2012 so I've been praying every single night that my body will heal enough to let this happen before the beginning of the new year. 

Those prayers must have been heard. 

Dr. H reviewed everything again today and I got a surprise call from one of his nurses who gave me the news that with some modifications, I've been put on his schedule for December 4th.  This is unique because doctors at my clinic start cycles in "batches" (meaning a group of women start at the same time).  Instead of starting me with a "batch" (scheduled to begin December 27th or January 19th) or making me wait it out another two months on birth control... he'll instead start me on my own cycle with some medication manipulations to build my uterine lining back up faster.

So here we have it.  Our new roadmap:

Yes, you read that right.  Pregnancy test on January 1st.  Happy New Year!

Excited, hopeful, optimistic...and slightly terrified.

Sunday, November 4, 2012

The Better To Smell You With, My Dear

Oh man.  Where to start?  It's been a busy week...

First things first, I love my friends.  They bless my life each and every day.   It's only a friend who would show up with dinner because they know that I need help despite my pride in being able to ask for it.  It's only a friend who would make me an appointment for a massage because...well...just because.  It's only a friend who would totally get the fact that a comment would bug me not because of what was said, but because of how it was said.

Here is a little secret about Me... and since we are going to be blunt, I'll just say it:  I don't like anonymous comments.

Here's why...

When I moved to NYC in 1996 I figured out very quickly why I fit in so well.  It's because what you see is what you get.  New Yorkers get stereotyped as rude but, to me, they are not.  Quite the opposite in fact.  They are honest, sometimes brutally so, but it will always be straight to your face and up front.   That is a love language I understand.

Example:  A few months ago Mr. Thompson and Me took a trip back "home".   Just one hour after landing from our flight we were walking down the sidewalk in Brooklyn towards my friend's restaurant...when an old Jewish man stopped me dead in the street with a loud, "Hey girlie, are you Jewish?!  Because you have a really big nose!  Only a Jew could have a nose like that...!

Music to my ears!

We then proceeded to argue about my nationality which he wouldn't, under any circumstances, believe.  Not offensive to me in the least although Mr. Thompson was appalled as we stood there arguing in the street (remember, Mr. Thompson is originally from Texas and this is not the way of the south).  It was classic New York and oh-so refreshing.  In the end, I wanted to kiss that old man.  He instantly made me love him - just like I love that city -  because (gasp, shock, awe) he didn't say anything I didn't already know!  He just stated the obvious which I can appreciate.  Trust me, I KNOW that I have a big nose!  I've known it my whole friggin' life, even before Michelle.McDonald called me "Gonzo" in 10th grade after I stole her boyfriend.  I know it...I hate it... and no it's not because I'm Jewish (which I'm not by the way).  I'll always love a person who will say it straight and keep it real.

So back to Anonymous.

The words didn't bother me - the anonymity did.    Only in an eye-roll kind of way though because really, I try to keep life in perspective. If nobody is dying or suffering then I'm never going to lose sleep over it.  Never.  Ever.

Intentions are pure and I appreciate that.  Anonymous's comments were probably right on, who's to say, but my reaction was the same reaction that any (and all)  anonymous posts get.  I text my friend who will laugh at these things with me (good therapy, right?!) because I know that she dislikes anonymity too.

She can't help it - we met in New York.

So thanks Because Nice Matters for loving me and writing such a nice guest post.  In addition to being a true friend, you are the best blogger out there and you always come to my rescue when I get busy.  

Not with work, but with just being Me.