Saturday, December 28, 2013

Post-Op Postscript

Seriously, a D&C/Hysteroscopy right before the holidays...what was I thinking?!  

I'll tell you what I was thinking.  I was thinking Day 1 surgery, recovery the next, bounce back to 100% by Day 3.  

Well, today is Day 8 and I'm at (maybe) 63%. A few days post-op we went out-of-state to spend Christmas with my parents. Percocet, Ibuprophin, and laying horizontal were my best friends.  Although I didn't initially have much bleeding with the cramping, that changed on Christmas Day when I woke up to a sharp pain on my right side.  I can only explain it as something similar to a constant side-stitch that you get after running.

On Thursday,  I returned "home" so I could watch my sister's five kids for a few days while she and my BIL went to San Francisco for a bowl game (something promised months ago). Unfortunately, the cramping/bleeding hasn't gotten any better so I'm excited for them to get home tonight so I can return to my house (about an hour south).

I'll only be able to enjoy it for a few hours because at 6:15am tomorrow morning I leave for Washington DC.  I'll be there for three weeks as I fulfill a rotation assignment at the National Disaster.Operation.Center.  At this point, I'm seriously wondering how in the ^#%* I'm going to do it. Right now I feel like I'm the walking (or rather non-walking) disaster.

Those of you who have had the procedure, what was your recovery like?  Last year, I didn't have a D&C with it and I don't think Dr. H did as much tissue scraping... but is cramping/bleeding at this point still normal?  I'm in new territory.

Advice please. I need to be at 100%.  Quickly.


4:00pm UPDATE:  Dr. H is on vacation but the Dr. on-call let me know that no, these aren't normal symptoms at this point.  Bleeding and cramping should be tampering off instead of vice-versa. I need to watch it closely along with fever, etc. and go to the ER immediately if it gets worse or becomes unmanageable. Great...

He said it sounded more along the lines is a cyst rupture (which I've had before) or appendicitis.  Even better.

Wednesday, December 25, 2013

Little Snowdrop

Today has been a very good day.  Perhaps the most peaceful moment was when my younger sister slipped me this poem on behalf of my little Colton.  I'm not sure who wrote it, but her inspired thoughtfulness is always touching because it strikes when I need it the most.

In memory of all of our little snowdrops... I share these beautiful words with each of you who have walked this journey of infant loss and grief.  May you have a very Merry Christmas and feel the breath of your angels upon you, this day and always.

Little Snowdrop

The world may never notice,  
if a snow drop doesn't bloom,  
or even pause to wonder,  
if the petals fall to soon.  

But every life that ever forms,  
or ever comes to be, 
touches the world in some small way 
for all eternity.  

The little one we longed for 
was swiftly here and gone,  
but the love that was then planted, 
is a light that still shines on.   

And though our arms are empty, 
our hearts know what to do.   
For every beating of our hearts 
says that we love you.   

Monday, December 23, 2013

A Change of Heart

Yesterday, the Prodigal Son returned.  And just in the knick of time...
(Translation:  we have Lil A'for Christmas so things just got G rated.  To everything, there is a time and season...right?!)


Sunday, December 22, 2013

A Tiny Spark

Last week, in my "confession", I wrote about searching for a spark this holiday season.

I think I may be on the right path.  Thus, "sparkling" cider for all my neighbors.

It's a place to start.

(And with this I vow to focus outward and  eek as much service as I can out of the next four days.  For as the saying goes, it is far better to give than to receive. Right?!)


Saturday, December 21, 2013

Holiday Greetings From Moab (where that guy cut off his own arm)

At least Quibby put down the knife...

I think.

Pardon my French, but what the hell was I thinking scheduling a D&C/hysteroscopy combo-pack, five days before Christmas?  Dadgum, obviously I wasn't.

Mr. Thompson tried to warn me.  "Remember last time..." he kept saying.  Over and over.  "Last time was a piece of cake" I kept replying.

Except it wasn't.

How quickly the mind forgets somebody "aggressively" carving your pumpkin.  As if knife-like pains in your lady parts and major cramping everywhere else wasn't enough...general anesthesia makes me sick.  Each. And. Every. Time.

Queue Demeral.

Which makes it worse.

Queue waking up to gasps of breath...which queues all the doctors hovering over me in the recovery room trying to figure out why I can't breath... which queues more medicine in the IV and them propping me up sooner than they (or my lady parts or my upset stomach) wants...which queues the barf bag...which queues more pain south of the boarder...which queues a panicked Mr. Thompson who sits in the corner saying, "I kept telling her..." 

Yeah, piece of cake.

Once I could finally breath the doctors start telling me about their trip to Moab.  It appears that my uterus looked exactly like Arches.National.Park. Which sounds funny until you see the pictures.  Remember that old Johnny Carson guest who had a potato chip that looked like Jesus?

Same thing.

There. Now you'll never look at a Utah license plate the same...


Friday, December 20, 2013

When You Gotta Go -You Gotta Go

p.s.  Today is my hysteroscopy.  They have to do a D&C with it as a Christmas bonus.  Yay me!


Tuesday, December 17, 2013

Merry Christmas (Quibby Style)

Eek, eek, eek!

This is Quibby's way of saying Merry Christmas.


Sunday, December 15, 2013


I love Christmas.

...but this year I am having a really hard time getting into it.  And when I say "really hard time", I mean... Really. Hard. Time.

The tree is up.  Lights are twinkling everywhere.  Packages are wrapped.  Beauty is all around.  The yard is full of snow.  My 2013 ornament arrived and is on the tree.  I've read Luke 2 some ten times.  Quibby has been busy making us laugh.  I listen to holiday music morning, noon and night.  I sit in front of my tree when I wake up every day and enjoy the quiet, peaceful, reflective moments with a cup of hot cocoa sipped from my favorite mug.

But I'm still not feeling it.

At all.

I heard a woman yelling at her child in the grocery store the other day and I turned around and walked out.  I stayed in my pajamas until 3pm yesterday and would have stayed in bed if I could have.  Mr Thompson and I went out to buy my step-daughter a snow suit and we wanted to kill each other the entire time. I would have canceled church today if I could have.

I'm secretly (or not so secretly) in a terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad holiday mood.  A smile is on my face and holly is hanging on my door but the only thing I can really think about is that another year has gone by and it just feels...


The holidays feel empty.  My house feels empty.  I feel empty.

Instead of canceling church I got up, got dressed and knelt down in prayer before I walked out the door.  My prayer was for a spark, a little ember to ignite something - anything - within me this Christmas season.

I sat next to my neighbor on the church pew,  smiled and about 10 minutes later realized she is very pregnant.  I had no I prayed for that spark still.  This neighbor has had three children in the years that we've been trying to conceive.  At that depressing thought, I looked around and realized that there was not one single or old person near me.  Rather there were young families, my friends, with loads and loads of I prayed for that spark even harder.  When the speaker began speaking about they joy of Christmas through the eyes of children - I took the inner pleading up a notch.  This is our eighth Christmas together, childless, and the unrealized dreams hurt.  Every year we think that by the next Christmas, it will finally be our turn... but it's not.  Maybe it never will be which is okay, but just... empty.

A spark.

I just need a spark and I'll keep barreling through the holidays.  Please.  

Just one little spark.

Thursday, December 12, 2013



And to think Mr. Thompson has been blaming me this entire time for stealing money out of our Bora Bora fund!

Wonder what Quibby needs the money for?  Humm...
In other news...

Looks like I'll be in DC for New Years (and the following 3 weeks).  I received an appointment for a rotation at the national Disaster Relief Operations Center.  Yay, me?

Not so much because I'm supposed to have my hysteroscopy procedure so we stay on FET schedule.  

Choices. Choices.

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Just Say No!

Houston, we have a problem.

Rate he's going, Quibby will be in rehab (or jail) by Christmas...

"I don't know what to say, except it's Christmas and we're all in misery."  - Ellen Grizwald
But his daily mission was accomplished.  Mr. Thompson laughed.  Hard.

Monday, December 9, 2013

The Little Pill

I don't know whether to kiss or kick Quibby.  I was supposed to start "the pill" today to get ready for our next baby-making round but now I can't.

For me, it's the worst part of the IVF/FET protocol.  I'll take a million shots any day over this evil little pill that for me, packs a punch.

Plus it's just depressing through the holidays.  It messes with you psyche.  You want a baby...yet have to take birth control to get it.  Hummm... what?!

It's settled - Quibby gets a kiss.

(Aren't you diggin' his new outfit?  Mrs. Claus may or may not have cut up a pair of Mr. Thompson's good "chonies" to make it.  Quibby appears to like the look so much he's going to keep it.)  

Sunday, December 8, 2013

Back In Black

Seems Quibby took a break from his antics to observe today's National Day of Mourning.

Rest in peace Nelson Mandela.

"When people are determined they can overcome anything." 

Even infertility.

Saturday, December 7, 2013

An Ounce Of Prevention is Worth a Pound of Cure

This what I woke up to today.  It appears that Mr. Thompson is catching the Christmas spirit.



Friday, December 6, 2013

The Hangover, Part 2

Apparently, our elf Quibby is a drunk.  A tattooed drunk.
"You're gonna freak out, but it's gonna be okay."
Last month you got insightful meditation as your Daily Dose.  This month you get sick elf humor.


Thursday, December 5, 2013

'Tis The Season To Be Jolly

quib  (kwb)
1. A clever, witty remark often prompted by the occasion.
2. A clever, often sarcastic remark; a gibe. Synonym: a joke.
3. A petty distinction or objection; a quibble.
4. Something curious or odd.
Remember last December 2012?  It was a magical time in which we were going through our fourth (and presumed last) IVF.  I forsook all distractions and readily immersed myself into all of the hope and joy that the season offers.  It really was an amazing month... until of course the negative news came in around New Years during our Twelfth Night celebration. You may recall that I got off the phone with the nurse and turned off the Christmas tree lights.  That's how Mr. Thompson knew our results.  It was a huge downer after such a great holiday high. (understatement of the year)

Queue Christmas 2013.

Mr. Thompson doesn't want a Christmas tree this year.  Seriously.  He wants to forget about Christmas or will "concede" to decorate our palm plant I get really insistent on holiday cheer.  I very much understand because as an infertile, you are very aware that Christmas is for children and that just... hurts.

We had the most amazing Thanksgiving holiday with my family last week but there was a moment of sadness that Mr. Thompson told me about the other day.  We were taking a road trip to my older sister's house and after I jumped in my little sister's car, Mr. Thompson was willingly stuck with my two nieces and two nephews - "Care Bear" age 12; "Drew", age 10; Roy", age 9 and "Boo", age 8.  All four of them very much still believe in Santa. Seriously.  Weird, I know but if you knew my sisters, you would understand why.  They are the only people that I know who would rig up "reindeer tracks" on their feet to climb up on the snowy roof to shake a bag of bells in the middle of the night on Christmas Eve.

Well...not true.  My dad did the same thing, which is why I sincerely believed until about 13/14.  Too much proof in the puddin'. 

Anyway, during Mr. Thompson's car ride these kids were going on and on about "Farfel" and "Grantham" their "elves". (Queue eye roll).  Their "elves" (as in "Elf.on.the.Shelf")  had made their first appearance that morning and these kids were flipping out with excitement.  Mr. Thompson - not so much.  After 30 minutes of excited elf antics he was just...sad.

...and more insistent on the palm tree.

Which brings me to a question: why is Christmas just for children and why does it make us so sad when we don't have any (or when the ones you have live far away with your ex-wife so you don't get to completely enjoy the moments)?  ...Which also brings us back to the definition of "Quib".

Meet Quibby Fizzlefazzle.  
Our Elf.  Farfel Fizzlefazzle and Grantham Fizzlefazzle's cousin.  His one purpose - and one purpose only - is to act totally inappropriate and make Mr. Thompson laugh this holiday season.  

Yesterday morning he first appeared to decorate the beloved palm plant.  Point for Mr. Thompson.

Today, he showed up totally hung-over.  
#poorQuibby   #QuibbySavesChristmas

#poorQuibby   #QuibbySavesChristmas
Who knows what mischief (translation: adult humor) he'll get into this month.  All I know is that while last December was magical, this December will be funny.  Really, really funny.

Because we could use a few laughs around here.

Sunday, December 1, 2013

Day 21 - Extraordinary Me

"Every great dream begins with a dreamer.  Always remember, you have within you the strength, the patience, and the passion to reach for the stars to change the world." - Harriet Tubman

(Part of a 21-day meditation.)

I'm extraordinary.  In my own way.  The last 21 days have taught me a lot about me - who I am and who I want to be.  I am...


I am extraordinary.

In the stillness in 30 minutes a day I was able to reawaken something within me that can only be described as the gratitude and wonder of being alive.  Of just being...Me.

Sometimes we want to trade our problems for somebody else's, thinking that the grass is always greener on the other side.  In being more thoughtful about my own individuality, I realized that I wouldn't trade it.  Any of it.

Let me say that again.  I wouldn't trade my life.

Not infertility.  Not grief.  Not any of the things that make  I'm not perfect and things aren't always easy, but I'm blessed beyond measure and I have an exreamly good life.

My destiny is joy.

Saturday, November 30, 2013

Day 20 - Visionary Me

"The visionary starts with a clean piece of paper, and re-imagines the world." - Malcolm Gladwell

(Part of a 21-day meditation.)

Today I made a point to reach out to someone that I've never had a conversation with before.  For five years I have offered polite greetings to my neighbors but I've never even learned their name.  Today, I decided to change that.  The wife was hanging Christmas lights with her 3-year old daughter and so I made my neighborly move.

What lovely people!

The husband is a youth pastor at a local church and they worked for a lot of years to get their beautiful little girl.

As I walked away I couldn't help but feel grateful for the things that bind us.  If there is anything positive about infertility, I think that it is in the compassion and empathy that I get from those around me.

Even my neighbors.

Life is much richer when we get out there and connect with others on what we have learned.  All of us are visionaries with something to share.

Friday, November 29, 2013

Day 19 - Blissful Me

"Joy is the net of love by which you can catch souls." - Mother Teresa

(Part of a 21-day meditation.)

What makes you happy?  Truely happy?  Greatest joy kind of happiness.

For me, it is my family.  Although we weren't all together this year for Thanksgiving, my parents came to spend it with four of the eight of us.  We had so much fun!

These are my people and I love them.  They bring me joy.

My youngest brother, teaching the bird who was boss.  (thank goodness November is almost over and he can shave again!)

Little sister with three plates of food.  She eats like a horse, has five kids and has yet to break 125 pounds.  I love/hate her!  

After dinner, every man in the house was in a food coma.  Hilarious!

Thanksgiving night we all hit the 3-D movie in the best theatre in America.  Reclining seats for everyone.  Thank you AMC!  Taking up two rows to see Frozen was a blast!

Black Friday shopping with my sis.

Game night.  Every night.  For four days.

Thursday, November 28, 2013

Day 18 - Creative Me

"If you hears voice within you say "you cannot paint" then by all means paint and that voice will be silenced." - Vincent Van Gogh

(Part of a 21-day meditation journey.)

How often have you said that you couldn't do something?  I'm thinking about that right now.  I'm trying to cook something new for our Thanksgiving Day feast... and I think that I've said 10 times that I'm not the best person to do it.  "I cannot cook."

Yes, yes I can.

Thank you Vincent Van Gogh for a really good thought this Thanksgiving Day.  I can do anything that I put my kind to.  

Even my dad's favorite fruit salad.

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Day 17 - Inspirational Me

"It is the supreme art of a teacher to awaken joy in creative expression and knowledge".  - Albert Einstein 

(Part of a 21-day meditation journey.)

Today I was thinking about the power behind blogging as I focused on this meditation.  I think that each one of us has the power to inspire another.  I don't know if over the years I have done much inspiring...but I do know that I have been inspired many times over.  

By you.

For that I am grateful.  You have helped me through grief, disappointment, failure, doubt, and discouragement.

Replacing it with hope.

Monday, November 25, 2013

Day 16 - Uniquely Me

"Every individual matters.  Every individual has a role to play.  Every individual makes a difference. " - Jane Goodall

(Part of a 21-day meditation)

I don't know who Jane Goodall is but I like her.  That's a good quote.  Everyone has worth and I think it is so important to remember that.  

Often times I wish that we were just a little bit more kind with each other.  More gentle. 

We are all unique and we all have gifts.  Even me.  So what makes me unique and what are my gifts?...


Let me see...

I have to think about this...

My first name is unique (not Mrs. or "Me").   I'm the only person I've ever known or met with it and I've always loved that.  It has always made me feel special and unique.  I was named after my parent's best college friend who was studying in the United States from Iran. She was an exotically beautiful woman on the inside and out.  As neighbors, my parents took her and her husband (who was working on his PHD in agricultural studies) under their wing.  It was a wonderful friendship.  

From which I benefited.

My parents had to change the spelling (Jehleh) so that people could pronounce it on a little American girl but I've always loved my name.  It means "bright burning fire" in Persian.  I've always had a way with middle eastern men and I think that 50% of it is because of my name. (The other 50% is because of my green eyes and charming personality.  This is according to my best chum Sayid, but since he always says it with a smirk...maybe that isn't true.)

When I was older, I went to the same college as my parents and one day when I walked into the Ag Department, I met an older secretary who lit up like a Christmas tree when she heard my name.  She knew and loved the original Jehleh and told me all the wonderful things about her.

I hope that one day I leave a legacy like that.

By being unique.  And kind.  And gentle.  And good.

Day 15 - How Can I Serve?

"How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world.". - Anne Frank

(Part of a 21-day meditation)

What does it mean to serve?  

For many of us we think of big feats, large donations or grand gestures.  And while that is great for Op.rah and Bill.Gates, that's is not who most of us are (or will be).  To this day the most generous act of kindness that I have ever received came when I was young(er) and living in the ghettos of NYC.  I was a poor missionary on a limited budget, trying to do a good turn.  There was a woman at my church who was a single mom of two boys just trying to survive in a really harsh city.  She was from Latin America, didn't speak English and had the meagerest of means.  

But every week she would buy me groceries.

Black beans and rice.  Tortillas.  More black beans and rice.  Every week I would try to stop her from buying my groceries because although I had limited money as a missionary (think service) - I had a family back home who was supporting me.  Hermana Ruiz had nobody.  But that was an act of love that was very important to her and so she would sacrifice of herself and her family to feed me.  There was no stopping her.

Since that time I have always had a can of black beans and rice in my pantry to remind me to give what I can freely.  The Boy.Scouts just came through my neighborhood on their "Scouting.For.Food" drive and I gave them black beans and rice.  Mr. Thompson takes turkeys to the food bank every year and I haul in black beans and rice.

We eat it for dinner as a comfort food and I always think of that dear sweet woman in the inner city who I imagine is still trying to scrap by the harsh realities of life, but who is still sacrificing to buy weekly groceries for the missionaries.

That is service.

That is love.

..and through small and simple acts are great thing are brought to pass.

Sunday, November 24, 2013

Day 14 - Grateful Me

"Let gratitude be the pillow upon which you kneel to say your nightly prayer."  - Maya Angelou

(Part of a 21-day meditation.)

What a perfect way to kick off this week. When we appreciate all that we have in life, our egos step out if the way and we enjoy all that life has to offer more fully.

I've been thinking about some of the happiest people that I know and wondering why they are so happy.  When I list their qualities, I realize that the thing that they all share is the immense sense of gratitude that they always show.  On the contrary, when I think of the most miserable people I know, I realize that gratitude is the thing grossly missing from their lives.  It's all about "me" which makes them very inward focused.

I don't know about you, but I want to be happy.

Everything that I have I owe to God - the air I breath, my body, the simple beauty of being alive.  I am grateful.

This week I'm going to really strive to be more aware and more grateful in every moment.  I have been given so much and too must give.

I'll start with gratitude.

Saturday, November 23, 2013

Day 13 - Faithful Me

"It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are." - E.E. Cummings

(Part of a 21-day meditation.)

I believe.  I trust.  I let go.

Today I broke into a million little pieces.  I don't even know how to talk about it so I won't.  All I can focus on is the faith inside of me and who I am deep down.  Faithful Me knows that I am a daughter of a most perfect God who loves me.  Sometimes we have to really break and surrender in the quietest corners of ourselves to tap into the power of that principle.  All I know is that I can't do it alone.

I believe.  I trust.  I let go.

Don't.  Ever.  Give.  Up.

Day 12 - Inspired Me

Believe you can and you're halfway there."  —Theodore Roosevelt

(Part of a 21-day meditation)

I am inspired.  I am unstoppable.

So are you. 

Thursday, November 21, 2013

Day 11 - Intentional Me

"Respond to every call that excites your spirit." - Rumi

(Part of a 21-day meditation)

Today, the thing that excites me is Thanksgiving.  I love it.  More specifically, I love to decorate for it with spices, candles, and nutty goodness.  

While everyone is getting excited for cornucopia is full.

I create my reality.

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Day 10 - Passionate Me

"Wherever you go, go with all your heart." - Confucius

(Part of a 21-day meditation)

What is passion?  

It's a word that gets thrown around a lot.  Typically, it is associated with something that is burning hot...but what passion really is, is the power and joy that gets sparked by being present each and every day.  

It's loving the journey.  The one you are on...Right.  Now.

I had to really think about this today.  I like to think that I am a very goal-oriented person.  I have goals and I've set dreams.  Because of those goals and dreams I usually keep my eye on the horizon to what is just out of reach.  Unfortunately, I often get too focused on the destination, instead of the beautiful journey.

In the last ten days I've scribbled about this a few times on The Daily Dose.  I think that is what I'm becoming most conscious of through this 21-day experience and for that awareness, I am grateful.

Today was a great day in the right direction.  For 20 minutes today I just laid still and concentrated on breathing.  I honestly think it is the first time EVER that I consciously felt air fill my lungs.  It was an incredible moment.  It was a moment of perfection and physical awareness that I strangely haven't experienced before.  My mind didn't wander.  Thoughts weren't intruding.  I didn't fall asleep.  I just focused on breathing in and out, feeling my diaphragm rise and fall.

Pretty cool.  After it was over I realized that I even take the basic act of breathing for granted.  And that is something I do... I don't know how many... times a day.  

I am where I am right now because of past choices - past moments - past breaths. When you think of it in those terms than I am right where I am supposed to be.  And these very moments are going to propel me forward so I certainly want to be more conscious in them.  More aware.  More focused.  Really breathing.

Now is my time.  So I did something....

Remember that would-have-been nursery that has been sitting as an empty room in my house for the last 5 1/2 years?  Well, today I took a step in the present and started to transform it into what I really need.  An office.


After...  (a day's work, which is a start!)

(Much more work to be done. Closet doors to be added, desk chair to be found, futon to be recovered, crown molding to go up...)

(...More family photos to be added!  I took this one of my nieces and framed it.  Love 'em!)

Again, let me say it:  It's about finding joy in the journey.  The one I am on...  Right.  Now.

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Day 9 - Focused Me

"We must walk consciously only part way toward our goal, and then leap in the dark to our success." - Henry David

(Part of a 21-day meditation journey)

I love today's quote.  Right now I definitely feel like I am walking towards my goal - literally and figuratively- and while I have a destination in sight, at some point I'm just going to have to leap into the unknown.


I met with Dr. H yesterday and we developed a good plan.  Right now the focus is on getting my uterus healthy and ready.  This is what's ahead:

I'll continue to work to get my weight to the most optimum BMI range.  If I lose 30 pounds - I'm there.  That is completely achievable and I'll keep working aggressively on it.   

I'll start birth control right now to get my cycle regulated.  

I'll start Metformin to help with my sugar levels. (ugh!)

I'll start Vitamin D because I'm abnormally low and Fish Oil to help my triglycerides.  A Prenatal will be the cherry on top.

In the next few weeks (early December) I'll go in for surgery with another Hysteroscopy.  Basically, he wants to scrape my uterus again because it's been a year since the last procedure.  With my history, there is a really high chance that the fibroids came back so they will put me under and scrape it. (and yes, this hurts.)

If things go well, I'll have a 6-8 week recovery while my uterus is growing a healthy, fluffy lining.  When we achieve it (with the help of more daily intramuscular progesterone shots), we'll do the embryo transfer.  We have 7 excellent to good embryos to chose from and with current thaw trends we should end up with 4 or 5 (factoring a 70% thaw rate).  Ideally we will transfer two.  The biggest question is if we want to unthaw the 4 Day-3 embryos and try and let them grow to Day-5 where they will be joined with the 3 blastocysts.... or if we want to try and get two cycles out of this.

My feeling is last chance - throw everything but the kitchen sink at this.  Let them all unthaw together in a staged approach and then chose the best.

Dr. H thinks that we should be more conservative and go for the two-cycle approach. (surrogacy?!)

We'll see...

Regardless, it feels good to have a plan. I'm walking toward my goal and when the time is right, I'll leap into the darkness and pray that a net will appear to catch me.  Again.  Even if it isn't the result I'm hoping, praying, pleading, meditating for.

I am focused on what I want.

Monday, November 18, 2013

Day 8 - What Do I Want?

"Certain things catch your eye, but pursue only those that capture the heart." - Native American Proverb
(Part of a 21-day meditation journey)
What. Do. I. Want. ?
That's a powerful question.  To be honest, I'm not really sure what the answer is.  I know that I stand in front of infinite possibilities and I can pursue anything that I want with focus, intention and passion.  That is probably the most important lesson from my childhood.  My parents where wonderful at letting my siblings and I just explore and become.
Anything we wanted!
Self discovery is a process and where I am at 39 is not where I was at 5, 12, 18, 25, or even...38.  My dreams of today are not something that I believe that I've fully tapped into yet.
But if I had to answered it today, this is what my (somewhat incomplete) answer would look like:
I want...a lasting marriage.  That is my deepest human relationship desire.  I am married to someone who has been married twice before and I am very aware that an "out" is always an option under those terms.  But I want something different.  My grandparents were both married 60+ years respectively.  My parents have been married 50 years this summer.  My (seven) siblings have never tasted divorce.  My people don't do that.  Yet...I'm very aware that it is a possibility.  Marriage takes work.  A lot of work but I don't ever want to give up on it.  I would be lying if I said that I didn't ever think about quitting... because sometimes, I do.   I think it just like my grandmothers thought it...and my mother has thought it...and my seven siblings have thought it at one point or another.  But we don't.  We work at it.  Thank goodness Mr. Thompson and I, in all of our imperfections, are equally committed to the same goal.  I will work until my dying breath (and beyond) to ensure that I always do my part, plus some.
I be a mother.  Family is everything to me and as I watched my mother have a tea party with my 18 month old niece on Thursday (one of her 26 grandchildren), I thought to myself...."Self - I want to do that".  I want to be old and grey, sitting in a rocking chair laughing at my grandchildren.  It isn't about society or religion telling me that motherhood is important.  It is my inner spirit that whispers that I want to live a really long life and with that last breath I take, I want to look up into the eyes of generations who will come and know that I've led a good life and done my part.  That Mr. Thompson and I built something lasting and good - an eternal family.  I know that I'm a mother to an angel and a wonderful step-daughters but it's different....
I want... "to become the change I wish to see in the world".  Ghandi said it best and that quote stares at me from my office wall each and every day.  I want to create a life and a career of  lasting goodness.  I want to make a positive difference in everything I do.  Period.
Maybe I will reach these dreams.  Maybe I won't.  But at 39 you can bet I will keep trying which is why I have a 2pm appointment with Dr. H to discuss our Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET) schedule and next steps.  There may be a day when we consider surrogacy, adoption or the foster system.  But for today, it's FET.
That's where I am at.  That is today's dream for myself.
What is yours?

Sunday, November 17, 2013

Day 7 - Fearless Me

"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face." - Eleanor Roosevelt

(Part of a 21-day meditation journey)

Today I thought about my greatest fear - the thing that is holding me back.  I am ready to let go of the struggle and resistance to take the next step forward.  For I know that in moving forward, there is abundance and endless possibility.  Dr. Phil 101 says that we can not change what we don't acknowledge, and in today's meditation Deepak basically said the same thing.  He asked me what my greatest fear is.

I am afraid of failure.

There, I said it.  That fear keeps me reaching and working to achieve, and there is goodness in that... but there is also a lot of negativity.  On the downside, it feels like disappointment.  Within myself.  Constantly.

Because I am not there yet.

What if I fail in my quest to become a mom?  What does that mean?  Those of you fighting the same infertility fight know what that inner dialog looks like.  You feel...less than.  You question God's love.  You question you ability.  You quesion your "worthiness".  You question everything.  

Example:  I was standing in my kitchen this morning trying to cook a stupid ham and failing at it miserably.  There is a trick to my dad's glaze that I wasn't quite getting.  It frustrated me.  In that moment the thought actually entered my mind that I probably wasn't a mom yet because I suck so bad at cooking.  

Seriously? Seriously.

Back to that game of "Bull Shit".  Now I am a smart, educated woman.  I know that's a big fat lie...but still.  That fear is there.

And it's been telling me a lot of big fat lies for almost seven years.

On today's meditation quest, Deepak took me climbing up a beautiful mountain and had me pulling a bunch of weeds along the path upward.  As crazy as it sounds, it strangely felt very liberating.   As I was pulling weeds, he helped me understand that as I let go of my fear of failure... I open to abundance in my life.  I open to my destiny.  I will be free.

In other wards, he called "Bull Shit".

(and I didn't even fall asleep while he was doing it.)

Saturday, November 16, 2013

Day 6 - Resilient Me

"We can complain because rose bushes have thorns, or rejoice because thorn bushes have roses." - Abraham Lincoln

(Part of a 21-day meditation journey.)

In life, it is fairly certain that we will each experience difficult and challenging passages.  They are the ebbs and flows of life and we have all experienced them.  I am no different.  The highs have been high and the lows have been...


Blessings in disguise.


Necessary parts of the journey.

Deepak said something in today's meditation that really struck me,  He said something along the lines that each step along the path of life, regardless of the destination, is an exciting part of the adventure.  The moment themselves are the gift, the journey itself, the rich reward.  

I love that thought.  A gift resides in every moment.  They are the sum of my experience and make me who I am.  


(but apparently still tired because I fell asleep again...)