Queue freak out.
If you remember, I bought a three-month trial at my last appointment. Three months hitting those cancer cells hard with medication to see if we could put off a full hysterectomy a bit and buy a little bit of time for a FET "window" if my body is being receptive to treatment.
Looks like three months just became two.
...And three weeks of those two months have been with less than 1/2 the necessary daily dose since my medication got cut last week. So yeah...I'm a bit nervous about what we'll find with this next biopsy.
I believe in a higher power and I believe in prayer. There is a sign in my room that says, "when life gets too hard to stand, kneel." ... and I can promise you that I'll continue to stay on my knees a lot over the next 11 days.
For almost eight years, fear and doubt has loomed over my head as infertility, infant loss, more infertility...and now cancer has taken its course. I've watched how it's changed me and how I've struggled with childlike faith and hope as I've tried to have more and more of it.
By nature I was born a happy and positive person...but I'm not going to lie, it's been a real struggle. I've watched a girl who at the age of three just wanted to grow up to be a rainbow...evolve into someone who searchs for that hopeful sign with more and more desperation. (Note: desperation is a word that I loath. And I just used it. Twice.)
I've learned through the journey that all I really can do is have faith. And you need a lot if it because so much is out if your control. I've also learned that while faith sounds so easy...it's not.
Not when you've prayed for almost eight years for a miracle.
Its been a trial of my faith, so I tip my hat to women like Elizabeth in the Bible who bore the disgrace of barrenness and never underestimated God's love for her. She did this even into old age when her arms were still empty and she was past childbearing years. She was humble and she kept praying for a miracle. She was sad but never bitter because of her "barrenness" (strong biblical word, right?!). She had enormous faith in God her entire life.
I want to be like that.
I don't know how old Elizabeth was by today's standards before she bore John the Baptist, but I like to think that she (and the others like her who are noted in the scriptures for infertility and miracles) were at least over the age of 40.
I guess it doesn't really matter because the point is that our God is a God of surprises. Sometimes, when we least expect it, He touches us with a miracle and our life is changed forever.
I still have faith in that.
...and so as to not be a downer, here's a picture of my favorite Easter Lilie. Another "mini" who makes my heart happy and sad at the same time because she cries and cries when I leave. We go on weekly play dates and paint our nails together...a lot. Cute as a button, right?! (Still can't believe she posed so perfectly for me to take this shot.)