Sunday, June 22, 2014

How To Train Your Dragon

Not going to lie:  I saw blissfully, happy belly pictures of an old friend on FB who is expecting her second child since getting married 2.5 years ago.... and the knife twisted a bit.
This happens a lot and I try to stay positive but I'd be lying if I didn't tell you that I look up in these moments and ask, "why"?
It's an age-old question I keep chasing. Like an elusive dream.
Sometimes (okay, all the time!) I wonder what I am supposed to learn from this...
Faith? Check.
Priorities? Check.
Hope? Check.
Determination? Check.
Patience? Check.
Love? Check.
Peace? Check.
Long-suffering? Check.
My part vs. God's part? Check. Check.
Empathy?  A big check.
Long ago, in my early 20's, a great friend gave me the advice to never, never, never pray for humility. Although I never prayed for it, it has come. Time, after time, after time.

It came in waiting to find "the one" 10-13 years after most of my family and friends.

It came after marriage when a baby in the baby carriage was harder to fill than expected. 

It came with the tragedy and heartbreak of infant loss.

It came with more infertility. A lot more. 

Then it came out of the blue with cancer.
It's a short list, I know, and trust me when I say that I count my blessings Every. Single. Day. because things could definitely be sooooo much worse. I have a great life.
But that mother's voice inside my heart is still there, whispering that it could be so much...
It should be noted that I walked out of church today for the first time in my life.  In my congregation, the members give talks on various gospel topics. One of today's speakers was a lovely woman who related her challenges in becoming a mom. She spoke about finally getting the opportunity to be a mother, only to have her son whisked away at birth due to complications and the prayers and pleading she sent towards heaven that he would only survive... 
That's when I got up, walked out and with quivering lips made it to the bathroom stall where I silently bawled my ever-loving eyes out. 
I have a lot to be grateful for, yes. 
But I have a lot to mourn and wonder about too.
How do you overcome it?

Thursday, June 12, 2014

In The Trenches

The Good:  My biopsy results came in.

The Really Good:  Cancer cells appear to be decreasing.

The Bad:  ...but not by much.

The Not-So-Ugly:  ...but enough that we will continue chemo drugs and not do surgery....for now.

When Dr. Z called this afternoon, I picked up the phone without expectations.  I won't lie...secretly, amid no expectations, there was the tiny hope that, by miracles of miracles, cancer would be completely gone.  It was a long-shot and I knew it, so I tried to be really detatched through the whole "wait and see" process. (Something I've picked up during the last 8 years of infertility).  Hope for the best - expect the worst.

As I listened to some very technical medical terminology that started the conversation (that I didn't know how to write down, let alone understand), I finally asked what it all meant in plain English.

"It means that the cancer is still there.  Only there is a little less of it...which is encouraging."

So I asked what we're going to do about plain English.

"That means we can proceed to surgery as originally discussed or continue to hit the stubborn cells like we've been hitting them, for another three months...and then biopsy again and reevaluate."

I quickly went for Door #2.

My brother who is a Marine informed me that this is what they call "digging in".

So here I sit, in my trench, ready to continue the fight.  I've dug deep and I've dug in.

At first, I stormed the beach.  Now I've just got to protect the ground I won in the last great fight, as I continue to try to win the war.

This is my Normandy. Only this time... the battle is against me.

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Paint the Town

Remember that front door I was going to repaint to take my mind off of things over the weekend?



It turned out pretty good.

Next project:  build a petgola like this for the back of my house...

Jnd plant a few trees...
And finish sewing curtains for my living room...
And repaint the garage door...
And build a padded headboard for my master bedroom...
And refinish two arm chairs I recently picked up at a thrift store...
And put a tile backsplash in my kitchen...
And replace the sliding glass door with French Doors...

Oh yeah, and kick cancer. Definitely kick cancer.

Infertility too. 

Not if, but when, I get the next chance...

(Still waiting on the call that will tell me when, exactly, that will be.)

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

Still Spinning

I'm not supposed to be having a menstral cycle.  Haven't had one since I was diagnosed and started these chemo meds five months ago...

Until today.

Grrrrrr.  So I called and left a message for Dr Z's physician assistant. My message went something like this:

"Hi Lindsay.  I'm hopefully in your queue to call as I had a biopsy last week and Dr. Z said she'd call with results by last Friday...but I wanted to let you know that in the interim, I've been having cramping on the right side again and a cycle started today.  Dr. Z said to call immediately if there was any bleeding so please give me a call back and let me know what I should do. I'm also anxious to discuss those test results..."

Oy vey.

I call "Uncle".

To make matters even better my glands are swollen, my throat hurts like hell and my sinuses feel like they are going to explode.  Last week it was the stomach flu with vomiting.

Germs apparently are not compatible with my weakened immune system right now...

Three jeers for cancer! Infertility stinks, but I swear I'll never take good health for granted again. 

Count your blessings.

Saturday, June 7, 2014

Wheels On The Bus Go 'Round and 'Round

There is an old famous adage that says, "no news is good news".



I say that no news news. Which is where I'm sitting right now. Dr. Z said she should have results back by the end of the week and would give me a call...

Yet no call came.  

Which probably means no results on the biopsy yet.

Funny, I didn't really think about it all week, but now that the results didn't come...I'll probably think about it all weekend.

Or not.  

I'd rather do something fun.  Like paint my front door and/or plant more flowers...

What do you have cookin' this weekend?

Wednesday, June 4, 2014

A Warm Speculum, Is Still A Speculum

Somebody should have told me how bad a uterine biopsy hurts!  Dr. Z had to make three passes for enough tissue (which is a very good sign)... but it hurt like the dickins'!

And now we wait.

The lab report will be back by the end of the week and we'll go from there.  My fingers are crossed but I'm ok either way.