Monday, July 28, 2014

Hello. again.

It's been a while.  36 days to be exact.

A little "mental health" break, as I like to think of it.  Time to check out and refocus on something other than cancer, infertility and infant loss.  

There is, after all, more to life.

For instance, there is my marriage. Mr. Thompson is the most important person in my life and we have been reconnecting.  Since there is zero chance of becoming pregnant on the chemo medication I'm taking, it's been really nice to not feel any pressure, like we've felt the last seven+ years of trying to start a family.  Sure, the pressure comes in a different way but not through timed intimacy, which is really nice.  Clocks and calendars went out the window in January and I love the authentic reconnection we've felt since then.  Don't get me wrong.  Cancer really sucks...but on the bright side of things - we are a normal married couple again. No pressure.

There is my also health.  Not going to lie, it's been a huuuuge struggle. Despite being told I'd gain weight on the medication, I held steady the first four months.  It was discouraging because I was working hard to lose weight but I considered it a win when I didn't gain weight after I was told to expect it.  This was true until the beginning of June...and then BAM!  Things decided to change.  I've gained almost 15 pounds since then and it's been beyond discouraging.  It feels like no matter what I do, the scale is moving in the wrong direction.  

So I've got to turn that around.

Somehow.  Someway.
  • I bought a Fit.bit.
  • This week I'm joining Weight.Watchers.
  • I'm participating in a 8-week competitive health program at work.
  • I'm still focused on running 40 (race) miles and losing 40 pounds by my 40th birthday.  
  • Top words in my current vocabulary: Exercise. Vegetables. Fruit. Water.
So that's where I'm at.  I'm focusing on my marriage and my health.  Cancer, infertility and infant loss are still in the background but the chatter isn't as strong right now. Sure, there are still moments of heartbreak, like when I play with my six year old niece who just moved here...and feel the twist in my gut imagining another six-year old. Or when I feel the settling inside and hear the voice that says, perhaps we are beyond the childbearing dream. And then there is just that horrible thing called cancer which touches waaay too many people, including me.

But all in all, my life is good.  I'm blessed and I still have a lot to fight for and be happy about.

That's where I'm at.