I cannot count how many times over the last 18 months I've said to myself, "sit down and write." Not to simply add another post to my count... but to give voice to my thoughts, and dreams, and disappointments. For which, there have been many. To get all of the things swirling around in my head and heart out and on paper, where I can hopefully sort them into sensible little boxes.
But I haven't.
Because I can't.
Last March, I received great news. After two years of treatment, my biopsy was clean. Uterine cancer no more. With the next biopsy in July, it was back. 5%. Not an alarming percentage of bad cells...but it wasn't zero. Regardless, I made an appointment (with the blessing of my oncologist) to see what my Reproductive Endocrinologist would say. Any chance of a frozen embryo transfer?
Nope. He said I had to have a sustained clean biopsy for 6 months before he would even think about it.
So back on cancer-fighting drugs I went. Another biopsy 3 months later (November) showed an increase still. 8%. A month later (December), I elected for surgery - a uterine scrape - on a wing and a prayer that if we scraped away the bad cells... we'd be back where we wanted to be with zero. Pathology of those scraped cells however, wasn't great - It was horrible actually. Up to 26%. But we elected to give it three more months.
And in those three months, I decided to do it my way.
With a rebel cry, I started 2017 by throwing all of my medications away. I said, "to heck with it!" because those meds have made an infertile... even more infertile. So I stopped. And in my rebellion, I decided to let nature take its course.
I didn't even schedule my 3 month biopsy for March.
I decided to let nature takes its course.
And oh boy, has she! Physically, I haven't felt better. After three months, the medication has finally cleared my body and after 10 long years of pumping infertility and cancer medication into my body.... I finally feel like me again. That's a big win and 45% of why I said, "enough".
But, unfortunately, my rebel cry was short lived. Part of the downside of uterine cancer gone untreated is bleeding. And when I say bleeding...I mean bleeding! Think of your worst period and then magnify it x10. Then factor that it doesn't stop (because I'm not taking the medication to make it stop). So at the beginning of March that started.
And didn't stop.
So in a panic - I started the horrible medication again.
Still didn't stop.
So after a month of feeling like I'm bleeding to death, I called the oncologist and she asked me to come right in. She patiently listened to my rebellion... Performed that unscheduled, but overdue, biopsy... And changed my medications.
And in her eyes I know exactly where this is going...
So now I wait for pathology results and her call, so we can have what I know in my gut will be the worst discussion of my life.